I wanted to help explain the way secret societies form and fail. Even in the most accountable of cultures or organizations, deviance happens. Is there any wonder how it finds its way into your marriage and family.
How many of you were as shocked as I was by Lysa TerKeurst’s blog post last week? I can raise my hand high in response. I was more than shocked.
But not because Lysa announced she was divorcing her husband of almost twenty-five years because of repeated infidelity and substance abuse.
But because her writing was so full of hurt, devastation, numbness, and the rigid control we (as women) strive to have when our lives are spiraling out of our control. I recognized her.
And I wept openly for Lysa. I understood every emotion she was able to convey through the written word.
My husband wrote a response to Lysa’s announcement in a blog post earlier in the week. One of the main reasons he wrote the post was because after her announcement, the internet was flooded with posts from other women and bloggers, supporting her and praying for her.
But there was an underlying panic in almost every post I read. If this could happen to Lysa TerKeurst’s marriage, what hope do I have for mine?
Scott wrote his post because he has a passion for men’s ministry, and he wanted to know: Where are the men in all of this, and do they worry and wonder about their marriages on the same level that women do?
I encourage you to check out his post if you haven’t already. It’s very insightful, and I’m incredibly proud of him.
I want to address Lysa’s post from a female perspective, and I also want to address some of the other posts I’ve read in response to her blog. I’m going to ask a hard question.
If your first response to Lysa’s blog post was fear for your own marriage…If you immediately had the thought, “If this can happen to her, it can surely happen to me,” what you need to ask yourself is where your fear is coming from.
We’ll get back to that in a minute.
I’ve written several posts about infidelity, protecting your marriage, and the role of sex inside marriage (and what happens when it occurs outside of marriage). You can read and those posts here. I look forward to your response.
I’m sensitive to the topic of infidelity. I was watching an episode of Sherlock the other night, and Dr. Watson was texting with a woman. They met by chance on the bus, and he was attracted to her. The entire time I was watching, my gut was clenching in a tight ball.
She’d text him, and you could see the struggle on his face while he decided if he was going to respond. Temptation and flattery now defined his character. Faltering, he texted her back. And then he kept doing it. Hiding it from his wife the whole time. As much as I love this show, it struck such a chord with me that I almost had to turn it off.
The truth is this: Infidelity is a huge problem in our society.
Infidelity appears in movies and television, in the books we read, and everyday life of some celebrities we follow. Infidelity isn’t only virtual, it could be happening with our neighbors down the street or a couple from our small group at church.
Our culture doesn’t cherish marriage and family. We live in a culture of instant gratification, where everything we could ever want is at our fingertips.
And when we don’t get it “right now,” we become impatient and start looking for the next bigger, better thing. That’s how people treat their relationships as well.
People have become disposable commodities. Spouses have become disposable commodities.
He’s right where He’s always been. Right beside us.
I had the privilege of hearing Lysa TerKeurst speak at the Pink Impact Women’s Conference a couple of months ago.
I’ve read her books, watched her YouTube videos, followed Proverbs 31 Ministries for years, and I read her blog. She’s an incredible woman of faith, and her making the decision to divorce her husband was incredibly brave, especially considering how public her life is.
I support her, and I’ll continue to pray for her.
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
Marriage is a covenant between a husband, wife, and God. Covenants are different than contracts or promises. Contracts general have these elements:
A term limit
Specific actions that must be taken to be fulfilled
Designed as a way for both parties to “get” something
Deal with an “if…then” mentality.
A covenant is a binding obligation between you, your spouse, and God. It’s not meant to be broken. Covenants are not meant to dissolve because you fell out of love with your spouse.
Things getting hard is not a reason to break your covenant. Covenant marriage is an unselfish marriage. You only want what’s best for your spouse. Unconditional love is the foundation of covenants, with Christ as the priority.
Spouses are next with children third in that order. Covenant marriages require confrontation, confession, and forgiveness.
Before you think I’m coming down on Lysa, I’m not. I’ve been divorced. Scott has been divorced. We’ll never cast judgment from this site, and I can tell you with complete honesty I understand Lysa’s decision to file for divorce.
Just like I understood her decision to stay with her husband when she found out about the infidelity the first time.
Lysa has every right to make the decision to divorce. Not because our divorce-happy society gives the approval. But because of God’s Word.
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Matthew 19:9
Her husband broke his covenant with her and God (repeatedly), and from what she wrote in her post, he has no intention of changing his ways at this moment. It is still in God’s power to change his heart and save their marriage.
But at this point in time, her husband has made the choice to continue sinning against God and his wife. God gave us free will. He also gives us forgiveness and mercy. But we have to confess and ask for it.
God still performs miracles. I’ve seen them in my own marriage.
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4
Let’s talk about the response from women all across the globe.
Most are based in fear of…
Our own marriages failing.
Getting the devastating news of our spouse’s infidelity.
Remaining married to your best friend for decades, only to have the bottom drop out from underneath you.
After all, if it can happen to a Godly woman like Lysa TerKeurst, then the rest of us don’t have a chance.
First of all, if you have a fear or insecurity like this about your marriage, you need to address it. Where is the seed of fear coming from? Do you suspect your spouse of being unfaithful?
Statistics show that 85% of women who have a gut feeling that their spouse is cheating are correct in their assumptions. In my post Security in Marriage,
Security in Christ I give tips on how to affair-proof your marriage.
Another reason for fear might be because of issues from your past. If there are issues from your past that are making you insecure in your marriage, it’s time to have open communication with your spouse. There should be nothing in this world that you can’t share with your spouse–that includes fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, worries, and gut feelings.
God designed marriage to mirror His image. By design, WE mirror His image. We should glorify God in everything we do. Especially in our marriage. And people should be able to see glimpses of God within our marriage.
God also gave us marriage so we could have companionship. We talk about the Hebrew word ezer in several blog posts, but it literally means “helper.” Another reason God created marriage was to multiply a Godly legacy.
Look how incredibly important and wonderful marriage is. It’s a huge responsibility, but also a huge honor that God has given us. But it’s an equal partnership. Both spouses need to put Christ first. If they do that, their marriage is going to prosper.
God is a God of forgiveness and mercy. We’ve all sinned. All of us. His blood redeems us. The bible is an excellent marriage manual. It tells us everything we need to know. Divorce is not unforgivable. And in Lysa’s response, God’s provision releases her from a broken marriage covenant.
“I am brokenhearted beyond what I can express. But I am more committed than ever to trusting God, His promises, and His plans, whatever they are from here.”
~Lysa TerKeurst
She’s an amazing example of a Proverbs 31 Woman. God is in control, and we continue to lift Lysa and her family up in prayer.
Love and Blessings,
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
My wife shared an article about divorce with me written by Lysa Terkeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry.
We’re both big fans and followers of her site and social media platforms which reach about 40 million people. It empowers women and family, and is a wonderful resource for all.
I’d say that prior to Lysa’s June 13th article, Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God, she, her life and marriage were the standards by which millions of people measured their own. She was a light on the hill for what a true, bible-based marriage, Christian wife, and ministry could look like.
On June 13th she bravely shared she was divorcing her husband of almost 25 years.
She remains that shining light on the hill, and even more so in her brokenness and faithful humanity.
My wife was crushed, as were millions of other wonderful women around the globe. I’ve been reading comments in posts and articles all week about their responses to the news. I’d estimate about 99% of all respondents were very supportive offering prayer and support.
If I were to paint a collective portrait of the sentiments, it would reflect most women expressing fear of losing their own spouses and telling how they hurried to their husbands and hugged them or assured them of their love and adoration for their marriage.
These women cherish their marriages, and instead of spreading hurtful gossip about Lysa’s divorce, they flipped the positive opportunity to assess their own relationships in physical and visceral responses.
I learned so much from my own wife sharing her heart about this matter in Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response
While heavily under-represented in comments on her’s or any other social media forum, I’d intuitively say not many men rushed to their wives to embrace
them over fear of ending up like Lysa and Art.
It’s not that men wouldn’t feel empathy for the Terkeurst divorce, or that men don’t cherish their spouses, but the male condition has become conditioned to the reality of marital failure.
Men aren’t as surprised when the other proverbial shoe does fall. Maybe it’s the hardened shell we build around our hearts as a distorted sort of protective barrier, or we’re culturally encoded to suppress emotions while wrapping our minds around rational next steps in a never-ending session of “what-if” bad things happen.
The reality is that we as men have failed in the business of marriage. A January 2017 study claimed between 50 and 60% of all husbands have engaged in extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage.
While difficult to determine data related to infidelity being the actual cause of divorce, studies show 37% (either spouse) occur as a result of cheating.
I’d add that while the legal justification for divorce is usually listed as no-fault or irreconcilable differences as a means to get the marriage dissolved as quick as possible, data suggests infidelity is involved at a substantially higher rate than reported.
In most states, infidelity is difficult to prove. Many factors prevent either spouse from launching that allegation for reasons ranging from embarrassment to legal settlement.
Despite the data, collectively, men have not equally carried marriage’s yoke. The principle of pursuing marital purity isn’t openly accepted or discussed in masculine circles.
Men look at a guy like Art and hope they either don’t get busted in whatever they’re engaged in, or wonder how they’d carry on if their marriages ever fell apart.
Mentoring Men
Unfortunately, we don’t mentor men to be husbands.
We say “I do,” and then do. But do what? That’s where we drop the ball. Unless we’ve had a strong God-centered teaching on the reality of Adam’s Genesis 2:24 experience of merging two into one, then chances are, men mistake the verse as combining two resources such as bank accounts or furniture into one.
Without mentors, we do as we see. What men have seen over the last decades are their parents divorcing, fathers abandoning the family by either choice or heavily-burdened custodial requirements, temporary live-in love interests helping raise the kids, and Herculean single-parent efforts to maintain a sense of balance.
These dynamics also create injury for the kids, and where the male child is physically, emotionally or spiritually wounded by their dad, the pain often manifest itself into efforts to medicate it as an adult through alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or suicide.
Male Infidelity
Lysa shared that Art’s continued substance abuse and infidelity were the major factors leading her to divorce him. While saddened at Lysa’s news, I wasn’t shocked. Cheating runs rampant, and despite the “easy way out alibi” that men just want more sex, there are actual reasons why men act out sexually.
I’ve even begun a men’s outreach to encourage brothers to stand the gap for the kingdom and their family at Brick Breakers
It’s the failure to identify and address the cause that chains men to the bowels of hell through sexual bondage. Sneaky secrets or salacious lies are the devil’s tactics for trapping men and destroying families.
I’ve written on male infidelity in Why Men Cheat, and Men, Stop Cheating. Both may be worth your time to explore, and reference if you find yourself in similar scenarios. There’s also a confidential survey assessment in Why Men Cheat you can take to determine your risk of sex addiction.
But How?
What shocked most were that they appeared to have centered their marriage on Christ first. So how could this happen to people who love God and serve Him?
How could God allow that to happen? Lysa’s such a shining example of a strong Christian woman, why would God do this to her, doesn’t He love her anymore.
The above are comments from articles about the news. The reality is, bad things happen to good people. Another truth is that good people do bad things.
While I don’t know either Lysa or her husband Art personally, these truths are universal. God allows His children free will. Otherwise we’d roam the earth like the rest of the beasts of the field chewing cud and mindlessly responding to exterior stimuli.
God did not punish Lysa, and He certainly still loves her very much. We are free to choose our own paths. It’s God’s desire that we come to Him to enjoy a deep, loving relationship. Unfortunately in Art’s case, and many spouses, their desire leads somewhere between a high and an illicit sexual encounter.
Just because Lysa became yet another victim to the ravages of satan’s war waged against marriage doesn’t make her any less of an example. In time and through God’s grace, this will allow her an even greater compassion for people, faith and now recovery from divorce.
In The Beginning
This began long before Lysa and Art.
God loves marriage. He created it to mirror the relationship He wants to have with us. The creation of man and then the gift of man’s helper, woman, was in fact the first marriage in the history of the world. It’s why Adams said:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
Neither Adam nor Eve had ever sinned. They lacked the capacity to understand the concept or question the consequences of going against the will of God. Yet, because of the gift of free will, they chose to reject God’s one command. Eat all you want, but leave that tree for Me (to paraphrase.)
They coveted what God solely possessed, and they sinned in their selfish desire to have what God had. They in turn placed God’s will behind their own desires and feasted on the forbidden fruit. Sin separated them from intimacy with God, and with each other.
Men continue to relive this act of defiance, oath breaking and covetousness each time they flirt, text, bait-click pornography, steal a simple kiss at the after work happy hour, or commit to long-term or repeated sexual affairs.
Satan hates marriage because it is the direct reflection of God’s loving relationship with us. It’s why the serpent immediately attacked the first couple. It tempted them with something bigger and better than what God had given them.
Isn’t it telling that although history tries to blame Eve for bringing down Adam, he was right there as the deception occurred.
Remember, he was the one who spoke of two becoming one flesh. Where there was Eve, there was Adam. He failed her as the spiritual head of their household.
Adam allowed his desire for the fruit God forbade to fail in shielding his wife from the consequences of evil. Worse, when confronted by God, Adam threw blame on the one person who he previously claimed as his cherished own.
Do you see the similarities? Art’s willful desire for sex and substances places them above his passion for God, and therefore his wife.
The substance abuse and sexual sin become his god (lower case g) while he failed to protect Lysa from the consequences of his sin. Also, the secretive nature is not unlike Adam’s attempt to hide from God before he was confronted.
In the end, we’ve really not progressed very far from the creation story.
God created marriage.
There is no coincidence that He places emphasis on the act of marriage. The bible begins with a marriage in the Garden. Jesus’s first recorded miracle occurred at a wedding, and the bible ends in Revelations with a wedding supper.
God also created sex to be enjoyed within the blessings of that marriage. God has never been shy about husband and wife enjoying each other’s bodies. Nor has He minced words about the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Here’s a few bible verses to hammer these points home:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,
for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Hebrews 13:4
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
1 Corinthians 7:3-4
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
Men can reclaim their place as the spiritual head of their households. But it will never happen as long as we conduct ourselves outside of the boundaries of marital purity.
Wives deserve better than to follow the lead of a corrupted spirit. Your wife is God’s very own cherished daughter. That makes Him your father-in-law. Do you think God will allow her to be deceived without detection?
Men, if Lysa’s reality doesn’t cause you to rush into your wife’s arms and reclaim the bonds of holy matrimony, then focus on your own. If you have been unfaithful, you should begin with confession and prayer. Concealing your affair isn’t the answer.
Studies show that 60-75% of couples who’ve experienced betrayal stay together. Confession, counseling and accountability in many cases lead to a deeper, more loving marriage.
The process through programs like the Conqueror Series is also vital for helping men understand the core causes of their destructive behavior.
Men, there is never judgement in my message. I only share what God places on my heart. God meant for us to be kings and conquerors, but instead we behave like cowards and saboteurs. Your family will only ever be as strong as you are. Are you ready to be strong in Christ for your family?
Keep the Terkeurst family in your prayers.
I Am 2nd,
My wife shared an article about divorce with me written by Lysa Terkeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry.
We’re both big fans and followers of her site and social media platforms which reach about 40 million people. It empowers women and family, and is a wonderful resource for all.
I’d say that prior to Lysa’s June 13th article, Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God, she, her life and marriage were the standards by which millions of people measured their own. She was a light on the hill for what a true, bible-based marriage, Christian wife, and ministry could look like.
On June 13th she bravely shared she was divorcing her husband of almost 25 years.
She remains that shining light on the hill, and even more so in her brokeness and faithful humanity.
My wife was crushed, as were millions of other wonderful women around the globe. I’ve been reading comments in posts and articles all week about their responses to the news. I’d estimate about 99% of all respondents were very supportive offering prayer and support.
If I were to paint a collective portrait of the sentiments, it would reflect most women expressing fear of losing their own spouses and telling how they hurried to their husbands and hugged them or assured them of their love and adoration for their marriage.
These women cherish their marriages, and instead of spreading hurtful gossip about Lysa’s divorce, they flipped the positive opportunity to assess their own relationships in physical and visceral responses.
I learned so much from my own wife sharing her heart about this matter in Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response
While heavily under-represented in comments on her’s or any other social media forum, I’d intuitively say not many men rushed to their wives to embrace them over fear of ending up like Lysa and Art.
It’s not that men wouldn’t feel empathy for the Terkeurst divorce, or that men don’t cherish their spouses, but the male condition has become conditioned to the reality of marital failure.
Men aren’t as surprised when the other proverbial shoe does fall. Maybe it’s the hardened shell we build around our hearts as a distorted sort of protective barrier, or we’re culturally encoded to suppress emotions while wrapping our minds around rational next steps in a never-ending session of “what-if” bad things happen.
The reality is that we as men have failed in the business of marriage. A January 2017 study claimed between 50 and 60% of all husbands have engaged in extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage.
While difficult to determine data related to infidelity being the actual cause of divorce, studies show 37% (either spouse) occur as a result of cheating.
I’d add that while the legal justification for divorce is usually listed as no-fault or irreconcilable differences as a means to get the marriage dissolved as quick as possible, data suggests infidelity is involved at a substantially higher rate than reported.
In most states, infidelity is difficult to prove. Many factors prevent either spouse from launching that allegation for reasons ranging from embarrassment to legal settlement.
Despite the data, collectively, men have not equally carried marriage’s yoke. The principle of pursuing marital purity isn’t openly accepted or discussed in masculine circles.
Men look at a guy like Art and hope they either don’t get busted in whatever they’re engaged in, or wonder how they’d carry on if their marriages ever fell apart.
Mentoring Men
Unfortunately, we don’t mentor men to be husbands.
We say “I do,” and then do. But do what? That’s where we drop the ball. Unless we’ve had a strong God-centered teaching on the reality of Adam’s Genesis 2:24 experience of merging two into one, then chances are, men mistake the verse as combining two resources such as bank accounts or furniture into one.
Without mentors, we do as we see. What men have seen over the last decades are their parents divorcing, fathers abandoning the family by either choice or heavily-burdened custodial requirements, temporary live-in love interests helping raise the kids, and Herculean single-parent efforts to maintain a sense of balance.
These dynamics also create injury for the kids, and where the male child is physically, emotionally or spiritually wounded by their dad, the pain often manifest itself into efforts to medicate it as an adult through alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or suicide.
Male Infidelity
Lysa shared that Art’s continued substance abuse and infidelity were the major factors leading her to divorce him. While saddened at Lysa’s news, I wasn’t shocked. Cheating runs rampant, and despite the “easy way out alibi” that men just want more sex, there are actual reasons why men act out sexually.
I’ve even begun a men’s outreach to encourage brothers to stand the gap for the kingdom and their family at Brick Breakers
It’s the failure to identify and address the cause that chains men to the bowels of hell through sexual bondage. Sneaky secrets or salacious lies are the devil’s tactics for trapping men and destroying families.
I’ve written on male infidelity in Why Men Cheat, and Men, Stop Cheating. Both may be worth your time to explore, and reference if you find yourself in similar scenarios. There’s also a confidential survey assessment in Why Men Cheat you can take to determine your risk of sex addiction.
But How?
What shocked most were that they appeared to have centered their marriage on Christ first. So how could this happen to people who love God and serve Him? How could God allow that to happen? Lysa’s such a shining example of a strong Christian woman, why would God do this to her, doesn’t He love her anymore.
The above are comments from articles about the news. The reality is, bad things happen to good people. Another truth is that good people do bad things.
While I don’t know either Lysa or her husband Art personally, these truths are universal. God allows His children free will. Otherwise we’d roam the earth like the rest of the beasts of the field chewing cud and mindlessly responding to exterior stimuli.
God did not punish Lysa, and He certainly still loves her very much. We are free to choose our own paths. It’s God’s desire that we come to Him to enjoy a deep, loving relationship. Unfortunately in Art’s case, and many spouses, their desire leads somewhere between a high and an illicit sexual encounter.
Just because Lysa became yet another victim to the ravages of satan’s war waged against marriage doesn’t make her any less of an example. In time and through God’s grace, this will allow her an even greater compassion for people, faith and now recovery from divorce.
In The Beginning
This began long before Lysa and Art.
God loves marriage. He created it to mirror the relationship He wants to have with us. The creation of man and then the gift of man’s helper, woman, was in fact the first marriage in the history of the world. It’s why Adams said:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife;
and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
Neither Adam nor Eve had ever sinned. They lacked the capacity to understand the concept or question the consequences of going against the will of God. Yet, because of the gift of free will, they chose to reject God’s one command. Eat all you want, but leave that tree for Me (to paraphrase.)
They coveted what God solely possessed, and they sinned in their selfish desire to have what God had. They in turn placed God’s will behind their own desires and feasted on the forbidden fruit. Sin separated them from intimacy with God, and with each other.
Men continue to relive this act of defiance, oath breaking and covetousness each time they flirt, text, bait-click pornography, steal a simple kiss at the after work happy hour, or commit to long-term or repeated sexual affairs.
Satan hates marriage because it is the direct reflection of God’s loving relationship with us. It’s why the serpent immediately attacked the first couple. It tempted them with something bigger and better than what God had given them.
Isn’t it telling that although history tries to blame Eve for bringing down Adam, he was right there as the deception occurred.
Remember, he was the one who spoke of two becoming one flesh. Where there was Eve, there was Adam. He failed her as the spiritual head of their household.
Adam allowed his desire for the fruit God forbade to fail in shielding his wife from the consequences of evil. Worse, when confronted by God, Adam threw blame on the one person who he previously claimed as his cherished own.
Do you see the similarities? Art’s willful desire for sex and substances places them above his passion for God, and therefore his wife. The substance abuse and sexual sin become his god (lower case g) while he failed to protect Lysa from the consequences of his sin. Also, the secretive nature is not unlike Adam’s attempt to hide from God before he was confronted.
In the end, we’ve really not progressed very far from the creation story.
God created marriage. There is no coincidence that He places emphasis on the act of marriage. The bible begins with a marriage in the Garden. Jesus’s first recorded miracle occurred at a wedding, and the bible ends in Revelations with a wedding supper.
God also created sex to be enjoyed within the blessings of that marriage. God has never been shy about husband and wife enjoying each other’s bodies. Nor has He minced words about the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Here’s a few bible verses to hammer these points home:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,
for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Hebrews 13:4
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
1 Corinthians 7:3-4
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
Men can reclaim their place as the spiritual head of their households. But it will never happen as long as we conduct ourselves outside of the boundaries of marital purity.
Wives deserve better than to follow the lead of a corrupted spirit. Your wife is God’s very own cherished daughter. That makes Him your father-in-law. Do you think God will allow her to be deceived without detection?
Men, if Lysa’s reality doesn’t cause you to rush into your wife’s arms and reclaim the bonds of holy matrimony, then focus on your own. If you have been unfaithful, you should begin with confession and prayer. Concealing your affair isn’t the answer.
Studies show that 60-75% of couples who’ve experienced betrayal stay together. Confession, counseling and accountability in many cases lead to a deeper, more loving marriage.
The process through programs like the Conqueror Series is also vital for helping men understand the core causes of their destructive behavior.
Men, there is never judgement in my message. I only share what God places on my heart. God meant for us to be kings and conquerors, but instead we behave like cowards and saboteurs. Your family will only ever be as strong as you are. Are you ready to be strong in Christ for your family?
Keep the Terkeurst family in your prayers.
I Am 2nd,
My wife shared an article with me written by Lysa Terkeurst, the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministry.
We’re both big fans and followers of her site and social media platforms which reach about 40 million people. It’s primarily targeted toward empowering women and family and is a wonderful resource for all.
I’d say that prior to Lysa’s June 13th article, Rejection, Heartache, and a Faithful God, she, her life and marriage were the standards by which millions of people measured their own. She was a light on the hill for what a true, bible-based marriage, Christian wife, and ministry could look like.
On June 13th she bravely shared she was divorcing her husband of almost 25 years.
She remains that shining light on the hill, and even more so in her brokeness and faithful humanity.
My wife was crushed, as were millions of other wonderful women around the globe. I’ve been reading comments in posts and articles all week about their responses to the news. I’d estimate about 99% of all respondents were very supportive offering prayer and support.
If I were to paint a collective portrait of the sentiments, it would reflect most women expressing fear of losing their own spouses and telling how they hurried to their husbands and hugged them or assured them of their love and adoration for their marriage.
These women cherish their marriages, and instead of spreading hurtful gossip about Lysa’s divorce, they flipped the positive opportunity to assess their own relationships in physical and visceral responses.
I learned so much from my own wife sharing her heart about this matter in Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response
While heavily under-represented in comments on her’s or any other social media forum, I’d intuitively say not many men rushed to their wives to embrace them over fear of ending up like Lysa and Art.
It’s not that men wouldn’t feel empathy for the Terkeurst divorce, or that men don’t cherish their spouses, but the male condition has become conditioned to the reality of marital failure.
Men aren’t as surprised when the other proverbial shoe does fall. Maybe it’s the hardened shell we build around our hearts as a distorted sort of protective barrier, or we’re culturally encoded to suppress emotions while wrapping our minds around rational next steps in a never-ending session of “what-if” bad things happen.
The reality is that we as men have failed in the business of marriage. A January 2017 study claimed between 50 and 60% of all husbands have engaged in extramarital affairs at some point in their marriage.
While difficult to determine data related to infidelity being the actual cause of divorce, studies show 37% (either spouse) occur as a result of cheating.
I’d add that while the legal justification for divorce is usually listed as no-fault or irreconcilable differences as a means to get the marriage dissolved as quick as possible, data suggests infidelity is involved at a substantially higher rate than reported.
In most states, infidelity is difficult to prove. Many factors prevent either spouse from launching that allegation for reasons ranging from embarrassment to legal settlement.
Despite the data, collectively, men have not equally carried marriage’s yoke. The principle of pursuing marital purity isn’t openly accepted or discussed in masculine circles.
Men look at a guy like Art and hope they either don’t get busted in whatever they’re engaged in, or wonder how they’d carry on if their marriages ever fell apart.
Mentoring Men
Unfortunately, men aren’t mentored on how to be husbands. We say “I do,” and then do. But do what? That’s where we drop the ball. Unless we’ve had a strong God-centered teaching on the reality of Adam’s Genesis 2:24 merging of two into one, then chances are, men mistake the verse as combining two resources such as bank accounts or furniture into one.
Without mentors, we do as we see. What men have seen over the last decades are their parents divorcing, fathers abandoning the family by either choice or heavily-burdened custodial requirements, temporary live-in love interests helping raise the kids, and Herculean single-parent efforts to maintain a sense of balance.
These dynamics also create injury for the kids, and where the male child is physically, emotionally or spiritually wounded by their dad, the pain often manifest itself into efforts to medicate it as an adult through alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography or suicide.
Male Infidelity
Lysa shared that Art’s continued substance abuse and infidelity were the major factors leading her to divorce him. While saddened at Lysa’s news, I wasn’t shocked. Cheating runs rampant, and despite the “easy way out alibi” that men just want more sex, there are actual reasons why men act out sexually.
I’ve even begun a men’s outreach to encourage brothers to stand the gap for the kingdom and their family at Brick Breakers
It’s the failure to identify and address the cause that chains men to the bowels of hell through sexual bondage. Sneaky secrets or salacious lies are the devil’s tactics for trapping men and destroying families.
I’ve written on male infidelity in Why Men Cheat, and Men, Stop Cheating. Both may be worth your time to explore, and reference if you find yourself in similar scenarios. There’s also a confidential survey assessment in Why Men Cheat you can take to determine your risk of sex addiction.
But How?
What shocked most were that they appeared to have centered their marriage on Christ first. So how could this happen to people who love God and serve Him? How could God allow that to happen? Lysa’s such a shining example of a strong Christian woman, why would God do this to her, doesn’t He love her anymore.
The above were a few collected comments from articles about the news. The reality is, bad things happen to good people. Another truth is that good people do bad things.
While I don’t know either Lysa or her husband Art personally, these truths are universal. God allows His children free will. Otherwise we’d roam the earth like the rest of the beasts of the field chewing cud and mindlessly responding to exterior stimuli.
God did not punish Lysa, and He certainly still loves her very much. We are free to choose our own paths, and it’s God’s desire that we come to Him to enjoy a deep, loving relationship. Unfortunately in Art’s case, as that of many spouses, their desire leads somewhere between a high and an illicit sexual encounter.
Just because Lysa became yet another victim to the ravages of satan’s war waged against marriage doesn’t make her any less of an example. In time and through God’s grace, this will allow her an even greater compassion for people, faith and now recovery from divorce.
In The Beginning
This began long before Lysa and Art.
God loves marriage. He created it to mirror the relationship He wants to have with us. The creation of man and then the gift of man’s helper, woman, was in fact the first marriage in the history of the world. It’s why Adams said:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife;
and they shall become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:24
Neither Adam nor Eve had ever sinned. They lacked the capacity to understand the concept or question the consequences of going against the will of God. Yet, because of the gift of free will, they chose to reject God’s one command. Eat all you want, but leave that tree for Me (to paraphrase.)
They coveted what God solely possessed, and they sinned in their selfish desire to have what God had. They in turn placed God’s will behind their own desires and feasted on the forbidden fruit. Sin separated them from intimacy with God, and with each other.
Men continue to relive this act of defiance, oath breaking and covetousness each time they flirt, text, bait-click pornography, steal a simple kiss at the after work happy hour, or commit to long-term or repeated sexual affairs.
Satan hates marriage because it is the direct reflection of God’s loving relationship with us. It’s why the serpent immediately attacked the first couple with the temptation of something bigger and better than what God had given them.
Isn’t it telling that although history tries to blame Eve for bringing down Adam, he was right there as the deception occurred.
Remember, he was the one who spoke of two becoming one flesh. Where there was Eve, there was Adam. He failed her as the spiritual head of their household.
Adam allowed his desire for the fruit God forbade to fail in shielding his wife from the consequences of evil. Worse, when confronted by God, Adam blamed the one person who he previously claimed was his cherished own.
Do you see the similarities? Art’s willful desire for sex and substances places them above his passion for God, and therefore his wife. The substance abuse and sexual sin become his god (lower case g) while he failed to protect Lysa from the consequences of his sin. Also, the secretive nature is not unlike Adam’s attempt to hide from God before he was confronted.
In the end, we’ve really not progressed very far from the creation story.
God created marriage. There is no coincidence that He places emphasis on the act of marriage. The bible begins with a marriage, Jesus’s first recorded miracle occurred at a wedding, and the bible ends in Revelations with a wedding supper.
God also created sex to be enjoyed within the blessings of that marriage. God has never been shy about husband and wife enjoying each other’s bodies, nor has He minced words about the consequences of sex outside of marriage. Here’s a few bible verses to hammer these points home:
“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,
for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Hebrews 13:4
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
1 Corinthians 7:3-4
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
Men can reclaim their place as the spiritual head of their households, but it will never happen as long as we conduct ourselves outside of the boundaries of marital purity.
Wives deserve better than to follow the lead of a corrupted spirit. Consider that your wife is God’s very own cherished daughter. That makes Him your father-in-law. Do you really think God will allow her to be deceived without detection?
Men, if Lysa’s reality doesn’t cause you to rush into your wife’s arms and reclaim the bonds of holy matrimony, then focus on your own. If you have been unfaithful, you should begin with confession and prayer. Concealing your affair isn’t the answer.
Studies show that 60-75% of couples who’ve experienced betrayal stay together. Confession, counseling and accountability in many cases lead to a deeper, more loving marriage.
The process through programs like the Conqueror Series is also vital for helping men understand the core causes of their destructive behavior.
Men, there is never judgement in my message. I only share what God places on my heart. God meant for us to be kings and conquerors, but instead we behave like cowards and saboteurs. Your family will only ever be as strong as you are. Are you ready to be strong in Christ for your family?
Keep the Terkeurst family in your prayers.
I Am 2nd,
I know what’s going on out there in the kingdom of dudes. You’re saying, “Scott, turn in your man card. You’re fighting for the other side.”
Well, after my last article, Why Men Cheat, I can see the confusion among my counterparts. Based on the Page Views (a record high) and the clicked Likes and Comments (zero) I knew the message had touched a nerve. The intention wasn’t to be controversial, but to call out for men to commit to marital purity.
Isn’t it weird when guys start talking about martial purity?
I spent 12 of my 25 year law enforcement career working undercover. Do you know the first thing you’re taught to ensure success and survival as an undercover drug agent?
How to lie.
Your life depends on it. The reality of it, is that after day 1 or day 4,380, lying is tough.
Don’t think so? Then try making up an entirely new identity, and run with that story for a while. Your name, where you live, went to school, what you do for a living, etc.
Need added pressure? Imagine that drugs, weapons and violent felons are involved, and only want to catch you in a lie to kill you.
The reality of it all is that if you are cheating on your spouse, you are, in fact, living an undercover life of lies. I’d almost be willing to say that the consequences are as high if not higher than my undercover operations.
You risk losing your wife, kids, career, family and friends, yourself and most tragically, your relationship with God.
There are clinical studies showing that exposure to working in an undercover capacity may create a scenario very similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder. It’s commonly referred to as multiple personalities, but to be more specific in the cases of purposefully assuming an alternate identity, it’s a detachment from what is reality, and an attachment to what is contrived.
I recall almost two decades ago while working with the DEA, someone very close to me confronted me. They said, “You’re acting just like them.”
Those words stung, and to this day I’ve never forgotten them. Because in fact, I had begun to emulate the violence-loving lifestyle of the vicious felons I hunted. I’d taken on their persona through speech and thought. I think it was Elmer Fudd who said to “Catch a rabbit, you must become the rabbit.”
The source of the concept of double minded was James. He mentions it twice in the bible. The Greek word he used was dipsuchos which means, “a person with two minds or souls.” This term is only mentioned in the two verses below, but the concept of living the lie is referenced throughout God’s word.
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
James 1:8
The first reference warns us of the condition we shall hold if we attempt to live the double life. No matter how much you think you’re in control, or how good you have it with the family on one side and your mistress on the other, you are unstable. The colored glasses you’re using to see the Pollyannic world you’re existing in, has everyone else noticing it but you.
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
James 4:8
An important distinction is that most men who cheat are not evil. They are wounded.
Trust me, I’m not a tree hugger and don’t skip around complaining because I didn’t get enough love as an infant. But I have come to a spiritual understanding that wounds are as real as they are perceived to be real.
Men are trapped in the culture of silence. We liken it to a medal of honor, when in fact it’s a rotting albatross strapped around our neck. Sooner or later, our emotional wounds have spiritual, physical and emotional consequences. If held in darkness, these injuries manifest themselves as sin, addiction, suicide or depression to name but a few.
No matter how tough you are or how hard you struggle to avoid them, they are like a debt owed. Your emotional bills will come due. How will you pay up? Through prayer, healing, confession and recovery, or with compounding a sin interest until your despair is greater than your hope?
There is a powerful resource for men struggling with sexual sin – The Conquer Series: The Battle Plan For Purity explains the enemy’s efforts to chain you down to the lies of the deceiver.
He’s a master at planting seeds of doubt in your spirit. You’re not good enough, you don’t make enough money, your car is too old, you weren’t a good athlete, you’re not popular or there’s always someone better waiting to do you in. Any of these sound familiar?
You must identify your addiction triggers before you can begin to develop a structured plan to defeat or avoid them. Is it porn, a movie, an image, a memory, someone at work or the gym that lights your fires of fantasy?
A rational plan is going to help you identify them. You can’t change what you don’t understand. It was Sun Tzu who said, “Know thy enemy, know thyself.”
The most powerful stronghold over you is what has wounded you, and yet remains unresolved. It might be something that happened decades ago, but the pain remains as deeply rooted as the day it occurred. Do not believe the lie that time heals all wounds. Time only makes them hurt more.
You have to bring light to what hurts you before healing can begin. I’ll share something I’m working on right now, and I’ll be totally transparent, it’s one of the toughest things I’ve ever done.
Men, I want you to do this and keep it to yourselves. This is for you to discover the source of your agony:
Make a list of the 10 worst moments in your life
Pray over this list and ask God to begin to restore you. Speak forgiveness to those who caused those hurtful moments. Believe the truth of God’s word to heal you and you will soon experience the desires of your heart begin to shift.
Ask God to erase your cheating life of double-mindedness, and to shift your desires toward faithfulness to the one woman you swore a holy oath to love, honor and cherish.
Men, this is a topic God has seared into my heart. While at the peak of my professional career as a city chief of police, I thought only the sky was the limit. A bigger agency, an elected office, another national committee or consultant position, you name it, and it was all within my grasp.
Then God whispered, “Follow Me.”
I walked away from the only job I’d had as an adult. A career that I was good at and loved doing. I’d started as a rookie patrol deputy with a borrowed badge and worked my way through the ranks of a large, nationally accredited law enforcement agency before being confirmed as a city’s top cop.
“Follow Me.”
On August 28, 2015, I retired from law enforcement. It was completely unexpected, and when hounded by the media for a reason, I only offered one – God called me into His service. This was one of the headlines.
It’s not been easy, but God has shown me that the only way to truly follow His lead is by surrendering to His will.
In this order:
1. God
2. Wife
3. Children
As always, nothing I share is from a place of judgement. It’s out of the love God has planted in my heart for men to fight for their marriage. It’s the amazing gift you can give your children.
Lead from the front,
Scott
Men, Get Your Mind Right: Stop Cheating
Blue Marriage 