Relief Turned To Sadness

My mom will say that as her senior year of high school came to an end, while her friends planned colleges and careers, her only plan post-high school was to marry Bill (my dad) and raise children.

Her father asked her to try a year of college just to avoid any “I wish I had” in the future. So, she pushed through a year of community college, finished with no intention of going back, and started planning her wedding.

Next month, my parents will fly to their hometown and celebrate their 50th high school reunion. While they’re there, they’ll celebrate their 48th wedding anniversary.

I never imagined I’d be divorced. I had a good life in a good home with loving, Christian parents who modeled a Biblical marriage for me in a beautiful way. Like my mom, in August of my 20th year, I married my high school sweetheart.

As beautiful outwardly as the wedding ceremony seemed, the truth is that nothing was good about it. It began what the Bible calls an “unevenly yoked” marriage, and as days turned into months turned into years, our marriage crumbled around me and I grew weary trying to carry the weight of our family’s faith on my own shoulders.

Almost ten years after we swore before God and man that we would love, honor, and cherish each other until death do we part, he told me about his girlfriend. My first emotion was relief.

Suddenly, I didn’t have to be married to him anymore. Callous sounding as that is, God created us to have emotions, and we’re not always in control of how those emotions manifest. Had our marriage been any different, my first emotion would likely have been sadness.

While I made plans to move into my own place, transfer the car into my own name, decorate my bathroom in yellow butterflies because I didn’t have my husband over my shoulder protesting the colors, my daughter, my little 4-year-old light of my life, was destroyed. It took me a few days to realize that we had given her a steady, loving home.

We had never had a single fight (to this day, that is true — we could have written a book on the amicable divorce). She had no idea of the chasm of darkness that had separated us, nor of the hours and hours I had spent on my knees begging the Holy Spirit to intervene in his heart so that we could come together as a family focused on putting Christ first in our lives.

She only knew of laughter, and parents who adored her, and of his big Italian family full of grandparents and cousins and love.

The first morning in our new home, as she lay on my bedroom floor and sobbed over her questions of “Why?”, I began to grieve with her.

Not for me — but, for her. I knew then that no matter how free I suddenly felt, as the burden of my yoke fell off of me, it landed on her and bound her in pain and despair. This is where my sadness lived – in the broken heart of my child.

It occurred to me that my daughter had become a statistic. She was now added to the staggering number of children growing up in divorced homes.

She would spend the rest of her life bouncing between parents and deciding what holidays to spend in which household. It made me angry. Angry at him for causing it, angry at myself for not realizing how much it would hurt her.

I went forward with a newly discovered purpose:

• to consider her in everything I said or implied about my life with her father and remember, always, that he is her “daddy”;

• to never be the stumbling block in her relationship with her father;

• to make sure that despite lifestyle differences and no small lack of faith on his side, respect for parents was a Biblical command that left no room for compromise;

• to make sure that her love of Christ superseded the  pain caused by the ripping apart of her world.

Writing it all out in a bullet-point list makes it sound easy. It wasn’t easy. What it was, instead, was intentional. I intend to cover each of the bullet points in more depth and detail in the coming articles.

For now, if you are facing this kind of challenge, I pray that God will comfort you and strengthen you and give you the wisdom you need to handle the challenges that will be unique to your circumstances.

I pray that articles on this site will encourage and educate you in exactly the way you need them to. And I pray for your children — that they will stumble through the minefield that is divorce and emerge as unscathed as possible.

In Christ,

Hallee Bridgeman

6 Lies We Tell Ourselves When Divorce Seems Imminent

The first business day after the New Year is commonly called D-Day (Divorce Day). It’s the busiest day of the year for people to call their attorneys and start divorce proceedings.

The holidays are hard on a lot of people and families. Believe me, you’re not alone. It was Christmas when I thought my marriage would end. When everything I thought I’d known about myself, my husband, and our marriage had turned out to be a lie.

It was Christmas when I put a smile on my face that never reached my eyes, numb from shock and grief, and pretended that everything was all right for the kids and the family members that happened to be visiting at the time.

Those are raw memories that can sneak up on me at Christmas if I have a crack in my armor for satan to get his talons in. At the beginning of the month in our prayer time together, both of us prayed about those memories and being aware and sensitive to them.

But we also praised God for the many blessings we have and the miracles he’s worked in our lives–the most incredible one being that our marriage didn’t end at Christmas. It’s strong and whole and healed. Can I get an Amen for that?

I tell you this because I want you to know I understand where you’re coming from when thoughts of divorce begin stirring in your soul. My first marriage ended in divorce. My marriage to Scott very well could have ended in divorce if not by the grace of God. So I can tell you with vast experience and knowledge that divorce isn’t the answer (unless you’re being abused, there is habitual and unrepentant unfaithfulness, or your spouse has abandoned you).

Scott and I are advocates of marriage. We love marriage, we celebrate it, and we cherish the blessing that it is. Marriage is God’s design. He wants you to stay married. He wants for your family to be whole. Period. End of story.

This blog post has been on my heart this week because of two different couples who are in the midst of divorce. Our hearts break for them because we know something they don’t know. We know the pain and heartache they’re about to experience. We know the devastation they’re about to bring down on their children.

Here’s the truth about both divorces…there’s no good reason for them (unless one of the three things listed above comes into play). And no, you being in an “unhappy” marriage isn’t a good reason. That’s probably stepping on some toes because I hear that excuse a lot.

Couple #1 loves each other. They have four small children. They’ve been married more than a dozen years. Their reason for divorce is they just can’t live with each other.

What?

I’ve been praying for this couple every day this week. Because here’s lie #1 that satan tells us (and that we tell ourselves to lessen the guilt).

1.) We can be civilized. We’re adults. We can make this as easy as possible for everyone involved.

That’s a selfish statement. Just like getting divorced because you can’t live together is a selfish act. Marriage isn’t selfish. It’s two people serving each other better than they serve themselves. It’s two people choosing to work at the covenant they made.

Scott and I are big proponents of marriage counseling. We’ve been there, and we’ve got the t-shirt to prove it. This is something that’s usually a lot harder for the husband to submit to than the wife. There were many times Scott didn’t want to go, but he did anyway because the alternative was the destruction of our family.

Go to counseling. Save your marriage. Save the legacy of strong and Godly marriages for future generations. Seriously…you have no clue what you’re doing to your family and how it’ll affect you and your children the rest of your lives.

This leads me to couple #2, their upcoming divorce, and lie #2.

2.) We don’t love each other anymore.

“Love is not a feeling; it’s a decision. It’s not something you experience; it’s something you choose to do. It’s not an emotion; it’s an ability. It’s not something that happens to you; it’s something you nurture and orchestrate and develop.”

-Jimmy Evans (The Right One: How To Successfully Date and Marry the Right Person)

That’s a fantastic quote from Pastor Jimmy Evans, and it’s true. There comes a time where the “feelings” of love will stop and the “work” of love begins.

When the “feelings” stop is when it’s time to dig deep. Here’s this word again…unselfish.It’s putting the needs of your spouse above your own. It’s taking their needs into consideration. It’s respecting them, even when they don’t deserve it. It’s a depth that goes so much deeper than “feelings” could ever take us. It’s about honoring the covenant you made to each other and God.

The second couple who have decided to divorce also said this, which leads me to lie #3.

3.) The kids are really adjusting well.

Let me tell you…no they’re not. But that’s a lie we tell ourselves and that satan perpetuates because it eases our own guilt. You’ve just broken their home apart, split their family in two, and changed everything they’ve ever known.

The reason I can say this with authority is because that’s what I said after my divorce.

We’ve got great kids. I taught school long enough to know how blessed we are in the children department. They’re well adjusted, smart kids who want to do the right thing and please the adults in their lives. They hate disappointing anyone. They go with the flow of almost any situation.

So guess what happened when I told them their father and I were divorcing? They listened thoughtfully and nodded their heads in agreement, absorbing it like mini-adults. One of them even cracked a joke. Their school work didn’t suffer. Their behavior didn’t change. They seemed…normal.

It wasn’t until a couple of years later that we started seeing some of the trauma a divorce can cause a child. Anxiety attacks. Self-harm. Counseling was needed.

That’s the trick with good kids who don’t want to disappoint anyone…they keep it all to themselves and we as parents don’t know how deep the wounds go.

Don’t fool yourself. Your children will have scars from your divorce. They will always be the children of a broken home.

Let me ask you a question…

Do you want your kids to take divorce well?

Divorce is breaking up their family. It’s changing something for the rest of their lives. The chances are higher of them being divorced as adults. They’re being set up from an early age to have broken relationships. These aren’t my gut feelings. These things are statistically proven true.

I have the generational sin of divorce in my family. Every single person in my family has been divorced, going all the way back to my great-grandparents at a time when divorce was unheard of. Every. Single. Person.

Generational curses exist. Don’t start one for your children, your children’s children, and so forth. Be the people who can say, “We fought for our marriage, and the generations that come after us are blessed because we did.”

If your kids are taking the divorce well (at least in your eyes), does that mean they see divorce and broken relationships as the norm? That should give us pause. It’s heartbreaking.

When Scott and I told our friend we were praying for the restoration of their marriage, the woman told us not to pray for that. She told us to pray that God would end it swiftly and peacefully.

Lie #4.

4.) Divorce is the best thing for everyone involved.

Nope…it’s not. Really.

Going back to the woman’s statement about not wanting us to pray for restoration, I have to say, my jaw hit the floor. First of all, God doesn’t want your marriage to end. He hates divorce. He says so in Malachi 2:16. Second of all, why would you ask us to pray for your family to be broken? God is not going to answer that prayer.

We’re continuing to pray for complete restoration of that marriage, because Scott and I are living proof that God still works miracles.

Here’s Lie #5.

5.) My spouse expects too much of me. I’ll never change. They need to love me for who I am or find someone else.

Part of this is true. Your spouse absolutely should love you for who you are. What were the things that made you fall in love with your spouse in the first place?

It’s also important to remember that you and your spouse are most likely opposites. These are things that will drive you crazy the longer you’re married. If you let them.

Scott and I have core values that are the same. We love and worship the one true God. We share the same political ideals. We value family. We have a strong work ethic and drive to succeed. We believe in education. There are many things we have in common.

It’s the day to day things where we’re different. Scott is very structured and I’m very relaxed. He’s a saver and I’m a spender. I love lists and calendars and he’s spent his career having a secretary to keep him organized. I like to get to things when I get to them, and Scott likes a more immediate response. I like to confront and he doesn’t like confrontation.

These are all issues that have the potential for disaster if we let things get out of hand. If we choose not to be selfless and understanding. If we choose not to dig deep. If we choose not to love.

A wise friend once told me that when we want to change something in our spouse, we need to pray that God makes some changes in us first. That prayer works. Because when I pray to become the wife God wants me to be, my husband can see God in me. His behavior changes because mine did.

In Marriage on the Rock, pastor Jimmy Evans also talks about praying to be the kind of spouse God wants you to be. But he also says there are times when your spouse’s behavior isn’t acceptable and Christ-like. Are you behaving in a Christ-like manner toward your spouse?

In situations where your spouse is not, you should pray for changes in them. Again, counseling is a wonderful tool. Use any avenue you can to save your marriage. Look to what changes you can make in yourself first. And pray. God loves marriage. He wants to heal yours.

Lie #6

6.) There’s been an affair. Our marriage is too broken.

Satan loves to make us think that there’s no hope. He likes nothing more than to fill your head with destructive thoughts and darkness. He hates marriage. He wants it to fail. Because he knows divorce is the beginning to a path to destruction.

God can heal anything, even when your broken pieces are so broken they’re no more than dust. There’s nothing more painful than the betrayal of an affair.

Affairs bring a multitude of emotions and problems into a marriage. There are the emotions that are going on inside of you–grief, loss, betrayal, anger, depression, shame, emptiness, and a number of other things that can crop up randomly that make you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut.

For those of you who are going through this or still in the recovery process, I know exactly what you’re feeling. I’ve been there and done that. You’re going to be okay. And with some work, your marriage can be okay. Not only can your marriage be okay, but it can thrive and prosper and be better than it was before. Yes, I know that from experience too.

Once the personal numbness starts to wear off you’ve got to address the marriage itself. Everything about the life you’ve been living is questioned. Was it all a lie? Who are you? What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you good enough? What did you do wrong? What does the other person have that you don’t? How long have you been living a lie?

The questions are endless and they can drive you mad. Trust has been completely broken in your marriage, and you don’t see a way for things to get better. It’ll get better.

Affair recovery is an emotional journey that takes time. And it takes help. You can’t do it on your own. God is closest to the brokenhearted, and you need to call out to him in your brokenness. But you also need to reach out to a pastor and a counselor. Even if your spouse won’t come with you, go see someone for you.

This is a time to be very careful about the friends you keep. Be careful about the people you tell. Keep friends closest to you who are going to fill you with God’s word, who are going to love and support you, and who love marriage.

If the unfaithful spouse is truly repentant, asks forgiveness, and wants to save your marriage, I encourage you to seek this route. It’s painful and it’s not easy, but there is definitely something there to be saved, and God makes beautiful things out of the ashes.

If you have a spouse that’s unrepentant and chooses another path, I still encourage you to seek help. For you. God still has a plan and a purpose for you.

Don’t let The Deceiver deceive you out of one of God’s greatest blessings. Fight for your marriage. Fight for each other. Generations will thank you.

Blessings,

Leah Silverii

Going Solo for Healing from Divorce

Anniversary

It’s a special anniversary. It’s been 500 years since the Protestant Reformation, first marked by Martin Luther when he posted 95 theses on the Castle Church in Wittenburg, Germany.

The arguments were generally characterized by criticism of the excesses of the Roman Catholic Church.

The work proceeding from the Reformers elicited five famous Latin phrases and convictions:

Sola fide:faith alone

Sola scriptura: scripture alone

Sola gratia: grace alone

Solo Christo: Christ alone

Soli Deo Gloria: to the glory of God alone

Although they began as a rebuttal to the doctrines of the Roman Catholic Church, the Solas were, and continue to be, a very positive declaration of biblical truth, and truth for right living.

It’s only through faith that we can apprehend truth and accept the grace of God.

Scripture should be our source of authority. It’s the eternal God of the universe speaking.

It’s through grace that we’re saved, not through our works. It was an undeserved gift of God.

Jesus alone provided a way to access a Holy God through His sacrifice on the cross.

Our chief goal in life should be to bring glory to our Creator, Life-giver and sustainer.

An Application for Healing from Divorce

While the Solas pertain to salvation, they brought an application to mind. It was only through Christ that my mom received spiritual and emotional healing from being the main “victim” of divorce.

It was only through Christ where I received healing. It was only through Christ that even the main cause of the divorce, my dad, received healing.

There are many worthy counsellors, therapists, psychologists, and coaches. They can analyze and determine much of why things go wrong and strategize to compensate for the future.

However, I would claim that with Christ alone, you gain the world. You have your healing amongst other abundance. One can truly move on from divorce as spouse or child. You have all that you need.

Christ Alone

Yes I would prefer to have good health and continue to split wood, play hockey and basketball, etc., but if I lose my health and still have Christ, I have everything.

True, I desire to keep my job and continue to live a comfortable, middle class sort of life…but if the economy crashes, I lose my job, and the bank takes the house, yet I have Christ, I will press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. (Phiippians 3:14).

Likewise, my mom didn’t want her marriage to collapse…and it hurt her a lot. I also didn’t want our family to split, and it brought much turmoil.

But Mom’s faith (Sola fide) became even stronger as she struggled to move on without a life partner – but she actually did have a partner in Christ (Solo Christo).

She immersed herself in the Word of God and in a good church with others who were “salt of the earth.”

Her testimony of accepting God’s grace despite the shame and pain definitely brought glory to Him.

It took me a little longer to wholeheartedly accept the Lord in my life. Yet even while I delayed and fought it, I was aware that it was the right step to take. My mom’s prayers helped make God’s grace even more irresistible to me.

This in turn has helped me, I hope, become a better husband and father. I wouldn’t have wanted to betray my family as my dad had done.

Supernatural Strength

With the Lord’s strength and additional accountability to Christ, there is supernatural assistance to this or any man’s limited strength.

Even if the possibility of betrayal isn’t an issue, none of us are naturally selfless or predisposed to self-sacrifice. If we use Christ as our model, then we can’t help but bend our will in the direction of unselfishness within our families.

Divorce within Christian circles really should demonstrate the following in its wake: what Satan intends for evil, God uses for good. But I would submit that it takes walking with Christ to obtain that good.

In truth, one isn’t walking alone. Christ comes to you through other faithful ones in the church, and through the living Word of God.

He can help take the focus off yourself and your plight as you set your eyes upon Him alone.

If you’ve been beset by the anguish of divorce as a spouse or child, give the burden all to Him, the author and finisher of our faith. Certainly trust in a counsellor or pastor with a solid background and pure reputation.

However, if he/she omits or diminishes Christ and Scripture in any way, know that you should seek help elsewhere to avoid spinning your wheels in secular mire. Move from sorrow to healing.

Matthew 5: 4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

Matthew 11: 28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

4 Reasons For Pruning People From Your Life

4 Reasons For Pruning People From Your Life

What…

Ever said anything that made all the sense in the world to you while you were saying it? Have you ever discovered that your creative quote really didn’t make any real sense at all? Try the word pruning instead.

Yeah, we’ve been there.

I used to talk about smashing goals in crime reductions while still a Chief of Police. I liked the analogy of running the 100 yard dash with a parachute tied to our backs, and still breaking records. The parachute was the image of whatever obstacles tried to hold the agency back. Usually politics.

Leah decided she liked the analogy and started using it. She was found of saying we’re “cutting parachute strings.” Of course it meant we were freeing ourselves of obstacles trying to hold us back. We had become fond of it.

Until…

About two years ago Leah was scheduled to do a skype interview with a host from England about her life and writing career. The show is one of the globe’s biggest.

I was across the room halfway listening when I noticed the tone in her voice had changed. It was like a spark as I caught onto what she was building up to. Our quote!

Then….

Yeah, something about, “We’re cutting parachute strings,” just didn’t seem to have the impact without first telling that the parachute was attached to a runner, not a skydiver.

After the show, I suggested we stop saying that again. Ever.

About a year later, while in prayer, I saw an image of pruning a plant. I realized this was God’s imagery for the process we’d been in for prioritizing our lives. It made perfect sense. Pruning in process isn’t pretty but it was vital for future growth.

Later, Our family attended a conference at our church, Gateway Church in Southlake, Texas. Dr. Henry Cloud was that night’s guest speaker. I’d heard of him, but never heard him.

Guess what he talks about in his latest book, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward ?

You got it – Pruning.

And….

And I knew we’d found our new expression to best describe what our lives had been going through. It was a word from God and confirmed by faith. And…it made a heck of a lot more sense than cutting parachute strings.

By nature I’m not a horticulturalist, so I wanted to know more about the word given me, and how it applies to more than hacking off branches in the back yard.

As I discovered, pruning is a fantastic word that isn’t only associated with the discarding or removing. It is about life, regrowth and renewal. It is a beautiful term, and won’t leave you face-planted twenty feet into the ground upon impact.

But….

But now that we had the word, how were we to apply it in our lives. It wasn’t as if we were actively looking for things, people and places to chop off. We continued to pray God would show us where to point our pointy-tipped weed whackers.

God taught us why eliminating certain relationships were required, and allowed that to guide us. This is a spiritual strategy with eternal consequences, and we’ve witnessed the wisdom in pruning.

We’ve discovered while it hurt to separate ourselves from certain people, the quality of our lives have not been diminished one bit since the pruning. Actually, we’ve never been closer to each other since eliminating the “drama llamas” from our lives.

This not only goes for people, but activities, locations and purchases. It’s simply setting your priorities in plain view and eliminating everything that isn’t lined up to support those priorities.

Why…

Here are four reasons why professional arborists prune trees. You’ll see the relation:

1. To help the tree grow

Some trees are better able to withstand the harsh weather once pruned. It also makes the roots stronger. This creates a healthier tree which is better able to withstand bigger storms. Pruning helps new branches to grow.

2. To encourage fruit production

Any fruit-bearing tree benefits from pruning by removing dead limbs. Nutrients go to the fruit, and not dead limbs. Keeping the tree free of rotting branches reduces risk of disease. Pruning also encourages the growth of spurs. These spurs produce fruit the following season. Therefore pruning promotes an increase in fruit production.

3. To remove hazardous branches

Branches without strength, life or support fall easily during high winds or a severe storm. Bad branches even tumble in good weather. Branches covering your home or power into your home can crash into them and damage your property. Internal decay or cracks and cankers cause weakening that threaten the entire integrity of the tree.

4. To treat disease

Just like human beings, trees may contract disease. Pruning treats disease and prevents spreading. Therefore, pruning not only prevents disease, it also helps treat it.

See…

That was amazing to see how standard professional tree trimmers web language is so appropriate to what Christ is trying to do in our lives. Let’s face it. There are good people who do bad things. There are bad people who do even worse things. Why would you subject yourself to voluntary victimization when

God is trying to shine His light on you.

Okay, so I see the argument about helping our brothers and sisters. Being charitable and giving. We’re not talking about charity. We’re referring to those people with a negative presence in your life through family, friends, work or activities. You can and should determine who darkens your door, versus who brightens your day.

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for the sake of My name will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.”

Matthew 19:30

God blessed you with free will. He allows you to make decisions for your life and in some cases, for other people’s lives. Living the burdensome lives for blood relatives is not your place. In your free will you have the right to choose who you will and will not associate with.

We’re building God’s kingdom. You have the authority to surround yourself with people who will help you build bridges instead of stealing brick and mortar from the project yard. Pruning doesn’t have to be dramatic, but the God-led elimination process is necessary.

Can…

Can you imagine a beautiful rose bush with rotting flowers hanging on? If your goal is to grow the biggest, most beautiful roses imaginable, then dead and dying flowers drain away vital nutrients and water from the big, bold roses reaching for the sun.

Pruning the roses also makes room for new, bigger growth. The process will soon focus all of it’s energy on the living and sun-seeking roses. This makes for stronger roses and a happier plant.

Let’s focus our energy on Christ by eliminating anything that draws energy from Him.

I Am 2nd,

Scott Silverii

Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response To Divorce

Shocked

How many of you were as shocked as I was by Lysa TerKeurst’s blog post last week? I can raise my hand high in response. I was more than shocked. But not because Lysa announced she was divorcing her husband of almost twenty-five years because of repeated infidelity and substance abuse.

But because her writing was so full of hurt, devastation, numbness, and the rigid control we (as women) strive to have when our lives are spiraling out of our control. I recognized her. And I wept openly for Lysa. I understood every emotion she was able to convey through the written word.

My husband wrote a response to Lysa’s announcement in a blog post earlier in the week. One of the main reasons he wrote the post was because after her announcement, the internet was flooded with posts from other women and bloggers, supporting her and praying for her. But there was an underlying panic in almost every post I read. If this could happen to Lysa TerKeurst’s marriage, what hope do I have for mine?

Response of Fear – Satan Loves It.

Scott wrote his post because he has a passion for men’s ministry, and he wanted to know: Where are the men in all of this, and do they worry and wonder about their marriages on the same level that women do?  I encourage you to check out his post if you haven’t already. It’s very insightful, and I’m incredibly proud of him.

I want to address Lysa’s post from a female perspective, and I also want to address some of the other posts I’ve read in response to her blog. I’m going to ask a hard question.

If your first response to Lysa’s blog post was fear for your own marriage…If you immediately had the thought, “If this can happen to her, it can surely happen to me,” what you need to ask yourself is where your fear is coming from.

We’ll get back to that in a minute.

I’ve written several posts about infidelity, protecting your marriage, and the role of sex inside marriage (and what happens when it occurs outside of marriage). You can read and those posts here. I look forward to your response.

I’m sensitive to the topic of infidelity. I was watching an episode of Sherlock the other night, and Dr. Watson was texting with a woman. They met by chance on the bus, and he was attracted to her. The entire time I was watching, my gut was clenching in a tight ball.

She’d text him, and you could see the struggle on his face while he decided if he was going to respond. Temptation and flattery now defined his character. Faltering, he texted her back. And then he kept doing it. Hiding it from his wife the whole time. As much as I love this show, it struck such a chord with me that I almost had to turn it off.

Normalizing Infidelity

The truth is this: Infidelity is a huge problem in our society.

infidelity appears in movies and television, in the books we read, and everyday life of some celebrities we follow. Infidelity isn’t only virtual, it could be happening with our neighbors down the street or a couple from our small group at church.

Our culture doesn’t cherish marriage and family. We live in a culture of instant gratification, where everything we could ever want is at our fingertips.

And when we don’t get it “right now,” we become impatient and start looking for the next bigger, better thing. That’s how people treat their relationships as well.

People have become disposable commodities. Spouses have become disposable commodities.

Where is Christ in All of This?

He’s right where He’s always been. Right beside us.

I had the privilege of hearing Lysa TerKeurst speak at the Pink Impact Women’s Conference a couple of months ago.

I’ve read her books, watched her YouTube videos, followed Proverbs 31 Ministries for years, and I read her blog. She’s an incredible woman of faith, and her making the decision to divorce her husband was incredibly brave, especially considering how public her life is.

I support her, and I’ll continue to pray for her.

But what does God say about marriage?

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

Covenant vs. Contract

Marriage is a covenant between a husband, wife, and God. Covenants are different than contracts or promises. Contracts general have these elements:

• A term limit
• Specific actions that must be taken to be fulfilled
• Designed as a way for both parties to “get” something
• Deal with an “if…then” mentality.

A covenant is a binding obligation between you, your spouse, and God. It’s not meant to be broken. Covenants are not meant to dissolve because you fell out of love with your spouse.

Things getting hard is not a reason to break your covenant. Covenant marriage is an unselfish marriage. You only want what’s best for your spouse. Unconditional love is the foundation of covenants, with Christ as the priority. Spouses are next with children third in that order. Covenant marriages require confrontation, confession, and forgiveness.

Before you think I’m coming down on Lysa, I’m not. I’ve been divorced. Scott has been divorced. We’ll never cast judgment from this site, and I can tell you with complete honesty I understand Lysa’s decision to file for divorce. Just like I understood her decision to stay with her husband when she found out about the infidelity the first time.

Covenant Consequences

Lysa has every right to make the decision to divorce. Not because our divorce-happy society gives the approval. But because of God’s Word.

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

Her husband broke his covenant with her and God (repeatedly), and from what she wrote in her post, he has no intention of changing his ways at this moment. It is still in God’s power to change his heart and save their marriage.

But at this point in time, her husband has made the choice to continue sinning against God and his wife. God gave us free will. He also gives us forgiveness and mercy. But we have to confess and ask for it.

God still performs miracles. I’ve seen them in my own marriage.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

Women’s Response

Let’s talk about the response from women all across the globe.

Most are based in fear of…

• Our own marriages failing.
• Getting the devastating news of our spouse’s infidelity.
• Remaining married to your best friend for decades, only to have the bottom drop out from underneath you.

After all, if it can happen to a Godly woman like Lysa TerKeurst, then the rest of us don’t have a chance.

First of all, if you have a fear or insecurity li

ke this about your marriage, you need to address it. Where is the seed of fear coming from? Do you suspect your spouse of being unfaithful?

Statistics show that 85% of women who have a gut feeling that their spouse is cheating are correct in their assumptions. In my post Security in Marriage, Security in Christ I give tips on how to affair-proof your marriage.

Another reason for fear might be because of issues from your past. If there are issues from your past that are making you insecure in your marriage, it’s time to have open communication with your spouse. There should be nothing in this world that you can’t share with your spouse–that includes fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, worries, and gut feelings.

Mirror Image

God designed marriage to mirror His image. By design, WE mirror His image. We should glorify God in everything we do. Especially in our marriage. And people should be able to see glimpses of God within our marriage.

God also gave us marriage so we could have companionship. We talk about the Hebrew word ezer in several blog posts, but it literally means “helper.” Another reason God created marriage was to multiply a Godly legacy.

Look how incredibly important and wonderful marriage is. It’s a huge responsibility, but also a huge honor that God has given us. But it’s an equal partnership. Both spouses need to put Christ first. If they do that, their marriage is going to prosper.

Mercy

God is a God of forgiveness and mercy. We’ve all sinned. All of us. His blood redeems us. The bible is an excellent marriage manual. It tells us everything we need to know. Divorce is not unforgivable. And in Lysa’s response, God’s provision releases her from a broken marriage covenant.

“I am brokenhearted beyond what I can express. But I am more committed than ever to trusting God, His promises, and His plans, whatever they are from here.”

~Lysa TerKeurst

She’s an amazing example of a Proverbs 31 Woman. God is in control, and we continue to lift Lysa and her family up in prayer.

Love and Blessings,

Leah Silverii

Proverbs 31:10-31

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Lysa TerKeurst: The Female Response

How many of you were as shocked as I was by Lysa TerKeurst’s blog post last week? I can raise my hand high. I was more than shocked. But not because she announced she was divorcing her husband of almost twenty-five years because of repeated infidelity and substance abuse. But because what she wrote was so full of hurt, devastation, numbness, and the rigid control we (as women) strive to have when our lives are spiraling out of our control. I recognized her. And I wept openly for her. I understood every emotion she was able to convey through the written word.

My husband wrote a response to Lysa’s announcement in a blog post earlier in the week titled Lysa TerKeurst: The Male Response. One of the main reasons he wrote the post was because after her announcement, the internet was flooded with posts from other women and bloggers, supporting her and praying for her. But there was an underlying panic in almost every post I read. If this could happen to Lysa TerKeurst’s marriage, what hope do I have for mine? 

This is called FEAR. And Satan Loves It.

Scott wrote his post because he has a passion for men’s ministry, and he wanted to know: Where are the men in all of this, and do they worry and wonder about their marriages on the same level that women do?  I encourage you to check out his post if you haven’t already. It’s very insightful, and I’m incredibly proud of him.

I want to address Lysa’s post from a female perspective, and I also want to address some of the other posts I’ve read in response to her blog. I’m going to ask a hard question. If your first response to Lysa’s blog post was fear for your own marriage…If you immediately had the thought, “If this can happen to her, it can surely happen to me,” what you need to ask yourself is where your fear is coming from.

We’ll get back to that in a minute.

I’ve written several posts about infidelity, protecting your marriage, and the role of sex inside marriage (and what happens when it occurs outside of marriage). You can read those posts here.

I’m sensitive to the topic of infidelity. I was watching an episode of Sherlock the other night, and Dr. Watson was texting with a woman he met by chance on the bus that he was attracted to. The entire time I was watching, my gut was clenched in a tight ball. She’d text him, and you could see the struggle on his face while he decided if he was going to respond. He was tempted and he was flattered. And he faltered. He texted her back. And then he kept doing it. Hiding it from his wife the whole time. As much as I love this show, it struck such a chord with me that I almost had to turn it off.

The truth is this: Infidelity is a huge problem in our society. It’s in the movies and television, it’s in the books we read, it’s the every day life of some of the celebrities we follow, and it could be happening with our neighbors down the street or a couple from our small group at church.

We don’t live in a culture where marriage and family are cherished. We live in a culture of instant gratification, where everything we could ever want is at our fingertips. And when we don’t get it “right now,” we become impatient and start looking for the next bigger, better thing. That’s how people treat their relationships as well. People have become disposable commodities. Spouses have become disposable commodities.

Where is Christ in All of This?

He’s right where He’s always been. Right beside us.

I had the privilege of hearing Lysa TerKeurst speak at the Pink Impact Women’s Conference a couple of months ago. I’ve read her books, watched her YouTube videos, followed Proverbs 31 Ministries for years, and I read her blog. She’s an incredible woman of faith, and her making the decision to divorce her husband was incredibly brave, especially considering how public her life is. I support her, and I’ll continue to pray for her.

But what does God say about marriage?

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

Marriage is a covenant between a husband, wife, and God. Covenants are different than contracts or promises.

• Contracts generally have a term limit
• Most contracts have specific actions that must be taken to be fulfilled
• Contracts are designed as a way for both parties to “get” something
• Contracts deal with an “if…then” mentality.

A covenant is a binding obligation between you, your spouse, and God.  It’s not meant to be broken. It’s not meant to dissolve because you fell out of love with your spouse. It’s not meant to be broken because things got too hard. Covenant marriage is an unselfish marriage, where you want the best for your spouse. It’s based on unconditional love, and Christ is the first priority, followed by each other. Covenant marriages require confrontation, confession, and forgiveness.

Before you think I’m coming down on Lysa, I’m not. I’ve been divorced. Scott has been divorced. We’ll never cast judgment from this site, and I can tell you with complete honesty I understand Lysa’s decision to file for divorce. Just like I understood her decision to stay with her husband when she found out about the infidelity the first time.

Lysa has every right to make the decision to divorce. Not because our divorce-happy society gives the approval. But because of God’s Word.

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:9

Her husband broke his covenant with her and God (repeatedly), and from what she wrote in her post, he has no intention of changing his ways at this moment. That’s not to say God won’t change his heart and their marriage won’t be saved in the future. But at this point in time, her husband has made the choice to continue sinning against God and his wife. God gave us free will. He also gives us forgiveness and mercy. But we have to confess and ask for it.

God still performs miracles. I’ve seen them in my own marriage.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

 

Let’s talk about the response from women all across the globe at Lysa’s news.

Fear.

Fear of our own marriages failing. Fear of getting the devastating news of our spouse’s infidelity. Fear of be married to your best friend for decades, only to have the bottom drop out from underneath you. After all, if it can happen to a Godly woman like Lysa TerKeurst, then the rest of us don’t have a chance.

First of all, if you have a fear or insecurity like this about your marriage, you need to address it. Where is the seed of fear coming from? Do you suspect your spouse of being unfaithful? Statistics show that 85% of women who have a gut feeling that their spouse is cheating are correct in their assumptions. In my post Security in Marriage, Security in Christ I give tips on how to affair-proof your marriage.

Another reason for fear might be because of issues from your past. If there are issues from your past that are making you insecure in your marriage, it’s time to have open communication with your spouse. There should be nothing in this world that you can’t share with your spouse–that includes fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams, worries, and gut feelings.

God designed marriage to mirror His image. Just like WE are designed to mirror His image. We should glorify God in everything we do. Especially in our marriage. And people should be able to see glimpses of God within our marriage.

God also gave us marriage so we could have companionship. We talk about the Hebrew word ezer in several blog posts, but it literally means “helper.” Another reason God created marriage was to multiply a Godly legacy.

Look how incredibly important and wonderful marriage is. It’s a huge responsibility, but also a huge honor that God has given us. But it’s an equal partnership. Both spouses need to put Christ first. If they do that, their marriage is going to prosper.

God is a God of forgiveness and mercy. We’ve all sinned. All of us. And by His blood we are redeemed. The bible is an excellent marriage manual. It tells us everything we need to know. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin. And in Lysa’s case, God has given the provisions to release her from a marriage where the covenant has been broken.

“I am brokenhearted beyond what I can express. But I am more committed than ever to trusting God, His promises, and His plans, whatever they are from here.”

~Lysa TerKeurst

She’s an amazing example of a Proverbs 31 Woman. God is in control, and we continue to lift Lysa and her family up in prayer.

Love and Blessings,

Leah Silverii

Proverbs 31:10-31

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

The Wake of Loss

The path or course of anything that has passed or preceded is known as its wake. When I thought about it I realized the ending of most things in life leaves some type of wake, a disturbance of sorts to its surroundings.

The disturbance is not always bad though because what is left behind always signifies the moving forward of something. Something different, something new, something anticipated but sometimes it’s bad. Sometimes it’s unwanted, painful, and unavoidable.

Loss is loss no matter the area–physical, social, occupational.  If we choose the loss, whether it be single to married or one job to another, then perhaps the loss is not as profound as when we don’t get to choose, such as a loss by death.

The wake caused by the latter is sometimes a tsunami in the disturbance it leaves behind. That wake has a name.

It’s called Grief

Grief can be defined as the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. It is the reaction to a loss. One thing is certain, time in and of itself does not heal the wounds of loss. Left to itself, all time will do is make us bitter.

I am, by nature, an introvert and observer. I’m also very empathic toward others. The thing I think that is worth discussing is what happens in the aftermath of a loss, specifically the loss that comes from divorce.

How we handle the disturbance that follows. I don’t like to see people making decisions that will train wreck their lives. And if we don’t grieve that loss and put it into perspective we can make some very bad decisions. I’ve seen it happen. In real-time. Up close.

“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” ~ Mike Tyson

That quote really says it, doesn’t it? Life really doesn’t turn out the way we expect. We had a white picket plan and it got blown up.

Now we feel like we are drowning in the aftermath, unable to navigate the flow. Too much anger, fear, uncertainty, rejection. Just too much, too much.

I’ve lived long enough to watch friends marry, divorce and then marry – the same person, just with another name and different features.

Now I know sometimes we really get fooled; but sometimes the mistake we made could have been avoided if we would have slowed down and given ourselves time to grieve, heal, and learn.

Grieving, healing, learning. What does that look like? Well, it’s not lockstep, cookie cutter for sure. But the bare dirt foundation pretty much looks the same for everyone.

Stay connected to God

He is sovereign. You remember that, right? Nothing, absolutely nothing happens unless He allows it.

So, am I saying divorce is the will of God? No, but neither is abuse, desertion, infidelity and a whole lot of other things that can derail what God has joined. And that’s not the point of this reminder of His sovereignty.

When we lose someone, even when we are glad they are gone, we need internal comfort and calm that only comes from God. This is the only way that the wake will settle and the waters will still.

Go after God for healing from the loss and aggressively seek Him and ask to understand His mind and His purpose for allowing this to happen.

When we fail to understand His mind and purpose in the loss we will repeat the situation in some way until His purpose is fulfilled in us by the event.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  

~ Jeremiah 29:11

Stop ruminating

What’s the difference between rumination and meditation?

Rumination comes from the word ruminant, animals that chew the cud. Ruminating involves chewing the cud regurgitated from a cud-chewing animal’s rumen.

It’s going over and over what is unprocessed. When we do that with our past circumstances without spiritual meditation and God-filled contemplation, coupled with His Word, which will create change in us, we endanger our future with crazy, foolish, and sometimes dangerous decisions.

Why did he? If only I… Why didn’t she? I can say with absolute certainty that sometimes the math on the past just does not, and never will, add up to an acceptable sum.

Just give God the losses and move forward.

Let my cry come before You, O LORD;
Give me understanding according to Your word.
Psalm 119:169

Be alone

We need some time to find out who we are without that person.We cannot do that if we immediately get involved in another relationship.

I’m not talking about isolating ourselves. I’m talking about some time without dating. Seek out your friends, NOT opposite sex friends, for social interaction.

So what if the ex is seeing someone and is bashing you? It’s time to wear your adult undies and be the mature person they are made for.

People who are in the wake of a divorce are BAD relationship material. Why? If we don’t fix what was broken in us, either before that partner choice, or as a result of it, we are very much in danger of making that same choice again.

Don’t lie to yourself

We are neither as good or as bad as we think we are.

In marriage, both partners are the contributors to the success or the failure of it. Forgive yourself and your ex.

We stay stalled at the point of our unforgiveness. Left long enough we begin a decline. There is never a holding pattern to resentment, bitterness, and anger.

There is always a part of us that wants to make sure others know what was done to us; it helps to deflect our complicity. Forfeit pride and get some self-respect instead. [The two are not the same.]

Social media is not the place for relationship venting, e-v-e-r. It cheapens the poster’s moral integrity and makes them look petty. It’s a means of revenge and will not bring any form of healing. Why? Because revenge does not transfer pain. And that’s what all that is about. Pain. The pain of failure, rejection, and lost dreams.

Years ago, one of my friends was asked if she had done any fasting and praying before divorcing her spouse [he abandoned her]. Perhaps the insinuation was there that she had not done all she could spiritually to bring about the changes that would have made her marriage work. She responded yes she had and that while it never did change her ex,  it sure had changed her.

Ask God for clarity, to see yourself and your ex as HE sees. Why is that important? Without that clarity, we cannot change what we need to change in us so that we don’t make the same choices we made the first time around.

As long as we keep living our history we cannot experience anything better than bad. I don’t know about everyone else, but I want better than bad. I want best.

It’s hard stuff. Really hard. But it gets better. As my freaky fitness friends will tell you “It never gets easy, you just get stronger.”

Child of D-I-V-O-R-C-E

It’s easy to make fun of those old country songs. Tales of hardships and broken relationships, driving some to cry in their beer, others so lonesome they could cry, or even more catastrophic, they “fall to pieces.” (If you’re looking for something uplifting, choose reggae over these!)

However, it’s nearly impossible to find humor in Tammy Wynette’s D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Its lyrics narrate the finality of divorce and the attempt to spare the feelings of the four-year-old child, along with the issue of custody.

I became a statistic, or child of divorce, upon turning 16. There had been many difficult years leading up to the event. By then, partly because of my age, I felt more relief than sadness that my parents’ marriage was finally over.

In fact, I had the difficult conversation with my mom that she shouldn’t keep running back as Dad couldn’t be trusted anymore. This was a conversation that no child should be saddled with.

I then hid amongst sports, friends, and my social life. I lived with my mom and had a wonderful relationship with her, but I should have been more present. Thankfully, she had her church family and my married sister and family nearby.

We could get into long theological treatises on a few issues relating to my parents’ divorce.

1) Despite my dad’s faith background, was he plagued with a false conversion? Had he been backsliding? Or was he a carnal/cultural Christian?

2) Are one of the three A’s (adultery, abuse, abandonment) justification for divorce? Even if so, my mom felt guilt and failure. These are issues related to our story but not to be answered here.

Even in grievous circumstances, God’s faithfulness prevails. And don’t discount a mother’s heart for her children. Despite my mom’s anguish, she pursued God and prayed fervently for me.

Tell me that God didn’t take what the enemy intended for evil (divorce), and turn it to good. For in time, Mom found a devout man who became my stepdad and they had many special years together; I repented and put my trust and passion in the Lord; my dad had either an authentic conversion or return to the Lord before he passed.

Also try to tell me that a praying parent isn’t one of the most powerful weapons on earth!

Parents, don’t underestimate the good you do for your children, and for civilization itself, by having a strong marriage. When Christ, who is the bridegroom, decided to build His church to accomplish

His purposes, he said the gates of hell wouldn’t prevail against it (Matt. 16:18). This marriage of Christ and church models the marriages we are to have:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”

(Ephesians 5:25).

I still am striving and failing at times in this regard. My wife is far too patient and complimentary of my spousal ways.

Unfortunately, when marriages fail and children are collateral damage, then the gates of hell seem to prevail. It’s that spiritual!

Moms, pray for your husband and children. Dads, pray for your wife and children. Kids, pray for your parents. And families will be strong in the Lord once again.

We will be more empowered to accomplish the work of the Lord. Soaring divorce rates won’t send more children reeling. The gates of hell will not prevail.

You know, we take a simple faith and beautiful gospel and complicate it. The moral of nearly every story, including the divorce of my parents, is trust in the Lord, depend on Him, repent and pray.

Restoration is available. Simple. Then we can write and sing songs of glorious praise rather than D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

John

4 WAYS TO STOP ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE

We’re huge fans of Dave Willis – This is but one of many amazing articles he shares. Give him a look.

John and Jan (real people but not their real names) are some friends of ours who started out as a happy couple, but over the years they fell into a rut.

Their laughter started fading and their words to one another went from kind and compassionate to harsh and critical. Most their conversations turned into arguments. They talked badly about each other when the other wasn’t around. They’d even vent online about each other’s shortcomings.

 John and Jan were in a cycle of negativity that’s hard to break. They weren’t sure how they got into it and there weren’t sure if there was a way out. Their frustration and exhaustion with each other seemed overwhelming, but they decided that they didn’t want to keep living that way.

They knew their only two options were divorce or making massive changes in their marriage. They thankfully opted for the latter and over a period of time, by applying the principles below, they’ve managed to reimagine their relationship and create the marriage they both wanted and needed.

Read the Full Article Here