Not Your Average Angry Birds

“…Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Some of the best advice for married couples is given above. Resolve an issue and your angry emotions before nodding off for a good night’s sleep. However, oftentimes heeding that advice is as easy as licking your elbow.

Being a believer, I admit my bias. I don’t think one can resolve one’s anger issues, occasional inappropriate outbursts, or angry passive aggressiveness without the lens of Scripture and a proper theology.

God’s Anger

Most don’t like to think of anger when thinking of the characteristics of God. Loving, gracious, kind, sacrificial, and benevolent traits are preferable.

However, if we recognize Him as Just and Holy, despising sin with a dreadful disdain, it’s only rational and truthful to observe His anger and identify it as such. Even the sacrifice of Jesus was a propitiation for sin…propitiation being the satisfaction of God’s wrath for the sin of the world.

Jesus Himself displayed anger when facing criticism and judgement due to His desire to heal a man on the Sabbath. He was dismayed that the Pharisees had conjured up rules to prevent such goodness from being extended on a particular day. Their hard hearts made Him angry. He healed the man with

the withered hand anyway (Mark 3:4-6).

You might say that Jesus became vehemently angry when He drove out those who were buying and selling in the temple, utilizing a scourge of cords. He overturned tables and poured out the coins of the money changers (John 2:13-16).

Above is the example most dubbed “righteous anger.” That is, anger expressed due to evil; anger that can be constructive if properly displayed, interpreted, and channeled. In this case, it was anger expressed to put a stop to greediness running rampant in a sacred place.

We’ve learned that we’re made in God’s image. Does that mean human anger is natural or sacred and can be constructive as well?

Human Fraility:  Anger in the Family

Big problem. We’re fallen in our human nature, depraved due to our sin, so our displays of anger are rarely constructive, righteous, or well-channeled. So much destruction occurs in families due to rage, but also due to angry passive aggressiveness.

The Bible shows the folly of those who express human anger.

Proverbs 29:11

Fools give full vent to their rage,
but the wise bring calm in the end.

You’d also be better off hanging out with some laid-back buddies rather than hotheads.

Proverbs 22:24

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,
do not associate with one easily angered.

God expects far better out of us. Slow down, swallow the ego (sin of pride), listen, think, and act wisely.

James 1: 19

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

Hope For Our Emotional State

So what is our hope in our humanness? Ephesians 4 shows that we can have anger yet refrain from folly. Note it and remember it: “In your anger, DO NOT SIN.” Here is where godly wisdom kicks in to high gear.

26 “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. … 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Paul conveys that we can be angry without it being sinful by using godly wisdom. However, this shouldn’t be confused with Paul encouraging believers to often and intentionally go about showing righteous anger. That would hardly be a good testimony or reputation to develop either.

After all, we are to focus upon: … whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8).

Anger at Societal Sin

As a believer, it’s difficult to remain calm at the state of affairs of modern civilization. Morality has declined, yet immoral leaders, teachers, and followers make irrational, absurd, and untruthful claims, often in their false denunciation of Christianity, or in their proclamations of what is right and wrong.

We must denounce and judge false statements and behaviors (judge sin and judge it again), yet our response to people must be gentle, kind, and loving. Though God gives us parameters to use anger without sinning as we reflect His image, we must leave the judgement of people due to their sin in His Hands. For He’s a righteous judge and can apply angry responses appropriately.

Psalm 7:11

God is a righteous judge,
a God who displays his wrath every day.

We must leave it up to Him.

Romans12:9

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

Why the Prevalence of Anger out There?

A lack of godly purpose will lead people on an empty search for meaning, which can eventually lead to unfulfilled purpose, frustration, and unresolved or explosive anger.

James 4:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

The most devout Christians will have occasions where unresolved issues or new circumstances cause them to act out of character. Ask God what is causing your anger. Then give these burdens to Christ so you press on honorably in your family, workplace, and community.

Do you want to prevent or alleviate anger, bitterness, strife, and discontentment for yourself and your family?

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken (Psalm55:22).

God Takes You To Unexpected Places

Where has God led you lately? Did you know you were being led? Did you follow or resist? God will take you to some pretty unexpected places if you allow Him.

Recently, He took me to a place I didn’t want to go – Forgiveness.

Scott

Family: They Stole My Right To Grieve

The Loss

For some odd reason the moment the calendar flipped to August 1st, I began to think about, okay, almost obsess that in another month, it will be one year since my dad had passed away.

During this entire season of loss, not once had I cried, felt the crush of his absence or the natural squeeze of grief. Trust me, it’s not because I’m too tough, or that I didn’t love him. He and I were almost identical in attitude and actions, so although it caused friction at times, I loved him dearly.

Lisa, my sister-in-law mentioned grieving a while back, and it set me to consider why I had not. Almost 20 years after my mom died, I’m still pressed into an unpredictable ball of emotion at certain triggers. But, why isn’t this the case with my dad?

The Stages

Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross had worked with terminally ill patients as part of her practice. She observed that not only did the patient and their family not understand the process of loss, but the medical community failed to

grasp the dynamics of dealing with eventual and actual death.

Her 1969 book, On Death and Dying introduced the world to five stages to help people better prepare and cope with loss. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance became embedded in American lexicon as the gold standards for gauging their progress in dealing with loss and grief.

I’m nowhere on the scale yet.

The Family

Family is a funny thing. I’d be surprised to know that there is a family who doesn’t argue. When you combine the reality of generations of individuals, who as they mature and introduce non-family influencers into the core through marriage, dating, and childbirth, that dynamics never cause contention.

I’m not suggesting that the core family is always solid and it’s the in-laws, or as some in my family called them, out-laws (just to be mean) were the issue. The reality is family is complex, and the introduction of external influencers such as people, money, and death exponentially increase those core challenges.

I’ve witnessed in my 25 year law enforcement career the horrible things people do to each other. I’ve also seen the petty reasons they do them. In the course of my duty, I’d say family were most often their own worst enemy. Now add a death and the potential for a profit, and like adding water to sea monkeys, they magically and tragically appear.

I went through this after my mother passed away. Immediately, siblings turned against my dad over inheritance, pieces of jewelry my mom had worn (although it was still my dad’s property) and “allowing” my dad access to what was still his.

One of them actually suggested at the time that everyone go into our dad’s house and place yellow sticky notes on each item they wanted.

My dad lived nearly 17 more years in his home. Can you imagine spending one day, much less 6,205 days with sticky notes tagging everything your kids want once you pass away?

BTW: The brilliant sticky note idea never happened.

A big problem never resolved was that since my mom’s death, the battling siblings would ebb and flow into conflict with one another over what most families fight about. But never once was our mother’s death dealt with as a family, nor was the blow up over her humble estate.

Sound familiar?

The Theft

My dad devolved in his physical and mental state in the final years because of diabetes, dementia and Alzheimer’s. It was during the last days that most of the same crew who rose up after our mother had passed, were at it again. Except they had become much more skilled at concealing their efforts and the money pilfered from an ailing parent.

It wasn’t until after he passed away that bank records, unpaid loans and cash payments were discovered. Our friends in person and on social media have never once heard Leah or I mention family issues, but I felt moved to share a little insight only for the sake of illustrating the importance of forgiving to grieve.

Greater than the property, heirlooms and over $300,000 dollars stolen by two of them, is the theft of my right to grieve. It’s what my sister-in-law had mentioned months back. She was right.

None of us who are locked in the battle to right the wrongs of those who looted our parents’ property have ever taken the time to deal with the death.

The Forgiving

I understand the need to forgive and be forgiven. God makes it crystal clear in Matthew 6:14-15:

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

And again in Mark:

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

Mark 11:25

These are but two of many encouraging verses of God’s will that we exercise forgiving others.

It’s also vital to understand the dynamics of forgiving someone who has offended you. Many believe it’s letting the guilty party off the hook. They hold contempt in their spirit with an expectation or hope of revenge or the mystical “karma” taking care of the offender.

God is also very clear about taking action against the unjust:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

Romans 12:19

The Freedom

Forgiving is about freedom. Your freedom, not the offender’s freedom.

Forgiveness gives you the power to break the chains that bound you into torment, anger, hatred, or the hell of victimization.

God gives you the ability to regain the power through surrendering to His command of forgiving. Some see it as weakness, and that’s an unfortunate mistake.

Forgiving is about power and control you can exercise over your life. No matter how hopeless or lost you may feel, forgiving those who hurt you gives you strength through Christ.

God is very clear that He will forgive you and bless you once you’ve released yourself from the sin committed against you by another person.

You don’t even have to say it to the offender. You must, however, speak the words aloud. Go into your private prayer closet, or take a drive around the block, but God wants to hear your words of forgiveness.

Don’t worry that your spirit isn’t in agreement with your words. It’s the first step on your path to true freedom. Hurt must be brought into the light for healing to occur. As you continue to speak the words of forgiveness, God will ease your burden and heal your hurt.

Then shall vengence be His for the taking. Yeah, that made me smile a little too.

The Struggle

This began by admitting I’ve not grieved for my dad’s passing. I know why I’ve not been blessed with the process of moving from pain and into the light of appreciation for God receiving my dad into his heavenly home.

It’s unforgiveness.

I’ve prayed about it and discussed it with Leah, but I cannot bring myself into a position to forgive them. Maybe it’s because the legal process continues, as does settling the estate. I feel God’s nudge that the process will continue to remain contentious as long as I harbor the ill will toward the saboteurs.

I’ve been praying for God to loosen my stranglehold on the resentment against them for dishonoring our parents, and destroying what hope for family there was. But the truth is, through pruning I’ve gained a peace and new growth, but I also understand that eliminating darkness from the door doesn’t mean the sun is shining.

This week I begin to press the process of speaking the words, “I forgive insert names.”

I have no expectations on how long or how often it will take before I know the freedom from the sin of refusing to forgive and the blessing for surrendering my pain to Christ for His restoration.

I’d appreciate your prayers.

I do pray for spiritual healing and restoration by September 14, 2017 which is the day my dad passed away, but I also understand the timing is completely in His hands.

I also pray that if you’re locked into a season of hurt and unforgiveness that you will also speak the words out loud. I know God is anxious to hear them.

So, my journey begins, to reclaim what what stolen from me by my family – my right to grieve and my responsibility to forgive.

I Am 2nd,

Scott

A Woman's Fight For Forgiveness: Being A Godly Wife

Tide Turned

This is one of those blog posts that turned into a tough love segment somewhere along the way. Mostly tough love for me. I learned a lot while writing this post. Forgiveness was my ultimate lesson.

It’s incredible to look back on years as specific benchmarks in our lives. I was born in 1980, and accepted Christ in 1989. In 2001 I became a mom, and quit teaching to write full-time in 2011. Scott and I met in 2013. We married in 2015.

These were all years that impacted my life significantly.

2017 is one of those years. My life changed forever on January 1, 2017. There were moments in 2017 when I felt my spirit had been completely crushed to dust. Not broken pieces that could be put back together again. But DUST.

Dust

I heard Lysa TerKeurst speak at the Pink Impact conference a couple of months ago, and she said something that had a profound impact on me. Look what God did with dust in the bible. He breathed life into it and created man.

Dust is used to make clay. We are the clay and He is the potter. He also mixed dust with his spit to form mud and perform a miracle by rubbing it on the eyes of the blind man so he could see.

Her words gave me such hope in a season where I’d felt hopeless many times.

Before 2017, I was like the blind man who couldn’t see. I was a Christian. I’d accepted Christ in 1989 and was baptized shortly after. I was brought up in the church, and when my children were born I made sure they were brought up the same way.

But I was not living my life for Christ. I didn’t know what true faith was until 2017. I didn’t know the true impact of prayer until 2017. It changed my life forever.

I wouldn’t wish my 2017 on anyone, because 2017 has been unbelievably painful. It’s also been a season of restoration and incredible healing. If I had to go through all the pain of 2017 again to get to the point I’m at now, in my relationship with Christ and my relationship with my husband, I’d do it all over again. That’s how powerful our God is.

Doing It Different

Before Scott and I married, I thought long and hard about what I would do differently as a wife this time around. I was already once divorced, and the last thing I wanted was to be divorced again.

The conclusion I came to was that I needed to learn how to say I’m sorry and ask forgiveness, and I also needed to learn how to forgive others and not hold onto years of pain or strife.

The Lord definitely has a sense of humor, because He’s made sure I’ve gotten plenty of practice at both of my goals.

I will confess that prayer and my walk with Christ has humbled my spirit and I’m able to say I’m sorry easily and ask for forgiveness. But forgiving others has been more of a challenge, especially in this new season of my life.

No Strings

2017 has taught me how to forgive without strings and with grace. A mentor of mine and Scott’s did a great job illustrating how forgiveness works. As believers,

God wants us to have the capacity to forgive.

We need to forgive for ourselves, not for the offender. And I’m so grateful God forgives without strings and with unbelievable compassion and mercy. But because we forgive doesn’t mean the relationship has to be restored.

Sometimes forgiveness is closure and a hard-stopping place in the relationship. And that’s okay.

That was one of my big hang-ups about forgiveness. Sometimes people do irreparable damage. Forgive and release them. It’s truly easier than we make it.

In my personal dealings with forgiveness, I’ve found it’s much easier to forgive those you love, like your spouse or children. I know this from experience. But it’s not always easy to forgive those you don’t love. Or worse, those who have done an active disservice to you.

I’ll be honest, things haven’t always been smooth sailing for our marriage. The largest majority of rough waters we’ve experienced has been because of people outside of our marriage, whether it be friends, family, or exes.

Here’s A Secret

Let me tell you a secret that’s probably no secret at all. The closer you and your spouse walk with Christ, the less those who don’t will understand you. They’ll question you, they’ll ridicule you, and they’ll reject you. And sometimes, they’ll intentionally make trouble for you.

Satan LOVES that kind of discord, especially in a marriage.

Scott and I had a conversation the other day. It was a circumstance involving someone we have to deal with on a semi-regular basis who lives for discord. Someone who sees me as a threat to their position and is ready to draw battle lines by using foul language and gossiping untruths.

One of their favorite tools is the divide and conquer method. The “this is just between us, there’s no need for Leah to be involved” kind of conversation. Fortunately, I have a husband who doesn’t fall into that trap and doesn’t keep secrets, even about the bad things this person was saying about me.

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

Proverbs 6:16-19

Pruning For Growth

We’ve dealt with the same thing with certain family members. I wrote a blog post not long ago about pruning people from our lives who don’t add value. You can read it here.

And what we discovered is that we don’t miss the people we’ve pruned from our lives. We don’t think about them or talk about them. It was very obvious right away how little value they added to our lives.

I’m the kind of person who likes to please everyone. So it hurts when someone doesn’t like me or spews hateful gossip. Scott doesn’t have these issues. He usually gets really quiet and lets it all roll off. He likes to let people keep talking and gather information for later. It’s the cop in him.

Peacekeeper v. Peacemaker

But our same mentor once told me that I need to learn to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper. There’s a difference, and I’m slowly learning the difference, though sometimes old habits are hard to break.

My immediate worry after Scott relayed the conversation was over gossip and slander. After all, this other person made sure to let Scott know all of the things already being said about me, some by pruned family members, though all untrue.

In truth, these people we’ve pruned from our lives know very little about me or our family at all. But such is the nature of people who let hate and bitterness invade their lives, and who cloak themselves in phrases like, “All we can do is pray for them” while living in darkness.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Scott and I both live in the public eye, and though we share a lot of our lives with readers and followers, it’s a managed message and we share exactly what we want people to see.

We don’t invite drama into our lives and we keep our message positive. Always. But sometimes the protective walls we build are invaded anyway, by no fault of our own. It’s times like these that learning to forgive is essential.

Scott’s response to my reaction of this person’s comments was, “So what? What can we do to stop the words of other people?” As much as I hate to admit it, the answer to that is “Nothing”.

But that’s not what I wanted to hear. I…

• wanted to be vindicated.

• wanted to defend myself and have him defend me.

• was tired of being the easy target.

My response was, “I’m not used to being talked bad about so brazenly.”

And then he replied, “You dealt with talk in your church when you got divorced. This should be nothing new.”

That’s true. There was talk when I was going through my divorce. But I realized at that point I handled the talk completely different. When I was going through my divorce I was working like a madwoman. I wasn’t there to hear secondhand gossip, defend myself, or do damage control. The kids and I were secluded at home in a protective bubble.

I literally walked away from the problem without a care, because I knew without a doubt that the only person who had a right to be in my business was God. I knew without a doubt that God was there to fight my battles if I let him. And I knew that I needed to become the woman God intended for me to be so I could move forward. I wasn’t that woman.

I’d lost sight of that somewhere with this latest incident. And I think it’s because we’ve been blasted with a lot of this lately, and most of it from people who we expected to know better.

Slimy Attacks

Scott and I knew when we started this blog and we shared our faith and the importance of our marriage that satan would start attacking from every direction and through any means necessary. We prayed about it and we’ve been prepared for it. And we weren’t wrong.

Since we’ve started this blog, our marriage has been under attack from every direction imaginable, whether it be career, financial, family, death, devastation, sin,or other outside influences. Satan’s attacks on Scott are different than mine. Satan knows our weaknesses.

It’s amazing how unresolved sin follows you, no matter how much you try to outrun it or forget it ever happened. It’s especially important in these matters to ask God for forgiveness, the offended for forgiveness, and learn to forgive yourself. That’s sometimes the hardest thing.

Since Scott and I met, I’ve dealt with an onslaught of attacks from various people–some who pretended to be friends, some from family, some from an ex, and some from women who wanted to be future Mrs. Silverii’s. They weren’t nice. And when they were nice it was even worse because there was usually a sharp blade behind their viper’s smile, ready to stab me in the back.

Users

It was vicious at times, and many times I suffered in silence because Scott and I weren’t at a place in our relationship where we were communicating well. I was afraid to bring him my hurt. Many times I was blindsided with these people’s behavior. I wasn’t prepared for it. It’s not the environment I was raised in.

But all of these people had something in common. They’re users. They used Scott’s position as Chief of Police to serve themselves. His position allowed him to get things for them, do things for them, give them status because he was related in some way, or get them out of trouble.

His decision to retire didn’t set well with them, and he was no longer of use.

Then they saw me. I’ve worked like a dog for the success the Lord has granted me. I understand in a heartbeat that it could all go away tomorrow. I understand how blessed we are, and that we have an obligation to be good stewards. This is God’s money. Not ours.

These same users saw, and still see me, as a way to have an easy payday. They’d want to work for me and collect a paycheck without actually working, they’d brazenly ask Scott for favors or money because they were broke, and then take vacations.

Just Say No

When we finally started saying “no,” they’d lash out and say it must be nice to be on perpetual vacation all the time, thinking that the hundred hour work weeks we put in and the hundred days of business travel per year, where I’ll sign books for eight hours straight, give all day workshops until my voice is hoarse, and be so booked up at conferences that I have to change clothes as I’m running from event to event (without eating all day) was just part of the glamorous life we were leading.

These things still happen. And frankly, I’m kind of tired of it. I’ve dealt with a lot of anger in 2017. But dealing with the anger is part of the process of forgiving. Anger is not a sin as long as you don’t sin in your anger. I’ve been angry with Scott, but when he asked for forgiveness and was truly repentant, I was able to forgive.

But I held onto the anger I had for these other people. My good friend Chermaine told me to say the words of forgiveness out loud, even if I didn’t mean them. God would work on my heart and soften it.

So that’s what I did. For some of these people, I was able to speak forgiveness, mean it, and put a hard stopping place in our relationship. For others, it took months and months of speaking the words aloud before I was finally able to forgive.

Forgiveness is for our sake. Not for the sake of the offender.

Forgiving and releasing these people from my life brought a peace I haven’t felt since the beginning of our marriage. But we’ve decided with Christ at the center, we can withstand any storm together.

Withstanding The Storm

2017 has been a storm. And we’ve withstood it with the help of some incredible men and women of God. Praise the Lord for those people!

Just because we forgive doesn’t mean there won’t still be bumps in the road caused by the offender. Remember, satan loves discord.

And he’ll use those people if an opening is available in your armor for their spears to pierce. This is sometimes especially difficult in a blended family or if satan is using an ex for repeated discord.

This latest incident, where an unknown war was raged upon me, is not the last, I’m sure. But here’s the thing; this person is fighting a war and I’m not even part of the battle. I don’t care. They can’t touch me. Because God has reformed me from the dust I’d become in January of 2017. My armor is strong. But my God is stronger.

These recent incidents have only reemphasized the choices we’ve made in our marriage up to this point. God moved us to Texas for a reason. There was also a reason we were led to Gateway Church and the ministries they have there. God had a plan for us, and He still has plans for us that we can’t even see on the horizon.

Enjoying The Blessings

2017 has been a blessing.

A couple of weeks ago someone thought to give their opinion of how we do things in our marriage. From everything from our personal finances, to the decisions we make in our marriage, estate, and our children.

Scott has always been very vocal about our priorities, and he talks about it quite a bit on his Brick Breakers site for men.

The priorities are this:

• God

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”

Deuteronomy 6:5

• Marriage

“For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.”

Ephesians 5:22-23

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.”

Ephesians 5:25-26

• Children (all of them have equal standing, even though we’re a blended family)

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

There are other priorities in our marriage: We tithe 10% of our income no matter what it is each month, we don’t keep secrets from each other, we make decisions as equal partners (ranging from finances to children, even though we’re a blended family-we treat everything and everyone as ours).

(Side Note:)  The above statement is very important. The word ours is a big deal, especially in a blended family where lines are easily drawn.

We always stand beside each other, above all others. But those things are easy to do when God comes before anything else in our lives, and our marriage comes before our children.

Yes, our marriage comes before our children.

2017 has been a year of forgiveness, restoration in some cases, and letting go in others. There will continue to be those who strive for discord, but God is fighting those battles. All we have to do is give up the control and let him take the sword.

Be blessed,

Leah Silverii

The Fight For Forgiveness

This is one of those blog posts that turned into a tough love segment somewhere along the way. Mostly tough love for me. I learned a lot while writing this post.

*********************

It’s incredible to look back on years as specific benchmarks in our lives. I was born in 1980. I accepted Christ in 1989. I became a mom in 2001. I quit teaching to write full-time in 2011. Scott and I met in 2013. We married in 2015. These were all years that impacted my life significantly.

2017 is one of those years. My life changed forever on January 1, 2017. There have been moments of 2017 when I felt my spirit had been completely crushed to dust. Not broken pieces that could be put back together again. But DUST.

I heard Lysa TerKeurst speak at the Pink Impact conference a couple of months ago, and she said something that had a profound impact on me. Look what God did with dust in the bible. He breathed life into it and created man. Dust is used to make clay. We are the clay and He is the potter. He also mixed dust with his spit to form mud and perform a miracle by rubbing it on the eyes of the blind man so he could see. Her words gave me such hope in a season where I’d felt hopeless many times.

Before 2017, I was like the blind man who couldn’t see. I was a Christian. I’d accepted Christ in 1989 and was baptized shortly after. I was brought up in the church, and when my children were born I made sure they were brought up the same way. But I was not living my life for Christ. I didn’t know what true faith was until 2017. I didn’t know the true impact of prayer until 2017. It changed my life forever.

I wouldn’t wish my 2017 on anyone, because 2017 has been unbelievably painful. It’s also been a season of restoration and incredible healing. If I had to go through all the pain of 2017 again to get to the point I’m at now, in my relationship with Christ and my relationship with my husband, I’d do it all over again. That’s how powerful our God is.

Before Scott and I married, I thought long and hard about what I would do differently as a wife this time around. I was already once divorced, and the last thing I wanted was to be divorced again. The conclusion I came to was that I needed to learn how to say I’m sorry and ask forgiveness, and I also needed to learn how to forgive others and not hold onto years of pain or strife.

The Lord definitely has a sense of humor, because He’s made sure I’ve gotten plenty of practice at both of my goals. I will confess that prayer and my walk with Christ has humbled my spirit and I’m able to say I’m sorry easily and ask for forgiveness. But forgiving others has been more of a challenge, especially in this new season of my life.

2017 has taught me how to forgive without strings and with grace. A mentor of mine and Scott’s did a great job illustrating how forgiveness works. As believers, God wants us to have the capacity to forgive. We need to forgive for ourselves, not for the offender. And I’m so grateful God forgives without strings and with unbelievable compassion and mercy. But because we forgive doesn’t mean the relationship has to be restored. Sometimes forgiveness is closure and a hard-stopping place in the relationship. And that’s okay. That was one of my big hang-ups about forgiveness. Sometimes people do irreparable damage. Forgive and release them. It’s truly easier than we make it.

In my personal dealings with forgiveness, I’ve found it’s much easier to forgive those you love, like your spouse or children. I know this from experience. But it’s not always easy to forgive those you don’t love. Or worse, those who have done an active disservice to you.

I’ll be honest, things haven’t always been smooth sailing for our marriage. The largest majority of rough waters we’ve experienced has been because of people outside of our marriage, whether it be friends, family, or exes.

Let me tell you a secret that’s probably no secret at all. The closer you and your spouse walk with Christ, the less those who don’t will understand you. They’ll question you, they’ll ridicule you, and they’ll reject you. And sometimes, they’ll intentionally make trouble for you. Satan LOVES that kind of discord, especially in a marriage.

Scott and I had a conversation the other day. It was a circumstance involving someone we have to deal with on a semi-regular basis who lives for discord. Someone who sees me as a threat to their position and is ready to draw battle lines by using foul language and gossiping untruths. One of their favorite tools is the divide and conquer method. The “this is just between us, there’s no need for Leah to be involved” kind of conversation. Fortunately, I have a husband who doesn’t fall into that trap and doesn’t keep secrets, even about the bad things this person was saying about me.

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

Proverbs 6:16-19

We’ve dealt with the same thing with certain family members. I wrote a blog post not long ago about pruning people from our lives who don’t add value. You can read it here. And what we discovered is that we don’t miss the people we’ve pruned from our lives. We don’t think about them or talk about them. It was very obvious right away how little value they added to our lives.

I’m the kind of person who likes to please everyone. So it hurts when someone doesn’t like me or spews hateful gossip. Scott doesn’t have these issues. He usually gets really quiet and lets it all roll off. He likes to let people keep talking and gather information for later. It’s the cop in him.

But our same mentor once told me that I need to learn to be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper. There’s a difference, and I’m slowly learning the difference, though sometimes old habits are hard to break.

My immediate worry after Scott relayed the conversation was over gossip and slander. After all, this other person made sure to let Scott know all of the things already being said about me, some by pruned family members, though all untrue.

In truth, these people we’ve pruned from our lives know very little about me or our family at all. But such is the nature of people who let hate and bitterness invade their lives, and who cloak themselves in phrases like, “All we can do is pray for them” while living in darkness.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

2 Corinthians 6:14

Scott and I both live in the public eye, and though we share a lot of our lives with readers and followers, it’s a managed message and we share exactly what we want people to see. We don’t invite drama into our lives and we keep our message positive. Always. But sometimes the protective walls we build are invaded anyway, by no fault of our own. It’s times like these that learning to forgive is essential.

Scott’s response to my reaction of this person’s comments was, “So what? What can we do to stop the words of other people?” As much as I hate to admit it, the answer to that is nothing.

But that’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to be vindicated. I wanted to defend myself and have him defend me. I was tired of being the easy target.

My response was, “I’m not used to being talked bad about so brazenly.”

And then he replied, “You dealt with talk in your church when you got divorced. This should be nothing new.”

That’s true. There was talk when I was going through my divorce. But I realized at that point I handled the talk completely different. When I was going through my divorce I was working like a madwoman. I wasn’t there to hear secondhand gossip, defend myself, or do damage control. When I was home, I secluded myself and the kids in a protective bubble.

I literally walked away from the problem without a care, because I knew without a doubt that the only person who had a right to be in my business was God. I knew without a doubt that God was there to fight my battles if I let him. And I knew that I needed to become the woman God intended for me to be so I could move forward. I wasn’t that woman.

I’d lost sight of that somewhere with this latest incident. And I think it’s because we’ve been blasted with a lot of this lately, and most of it from people who we expected to know better.

Scott and I knew when we started this blog and we shared our faith and the importance of our marriage that satan would start attacking from every direction and through any means necessary. We prayed about it and we’ve been prepared for it. And we weren’t wrong.

Since we’ve started this blog, our marriage has been under attack from every direction imaginable, whether it be career, financial, family, death, devastation, sin,or other outside influences. Satan’s attacks on Scott are different than mine. Satan knows our weaknesses.

It’s amazing how unresolved sin follows you, no matter how much you try to outrun it or forget it ever happened. It’s especially important in these matters to ask God for forgiveness, the offended for forgiveness, and learn to forgive yourself. That’s sometimes the hardest thing.

Since Scott and I met, I’ve dealt with an onslaught of attacks from various people–some who pretended to be friends, some from family, some from an ex, and some from women who wanted to be future Mrs. Silverii’s. They weren’t nice. And when they were nice it was even worse because there was usually a sharp blade behind their viper’s smile, ready to stab me in the back.

It was vicious at times, and many times I suffered in silence because Scott and I weren’t at a place in our relationship where we were communicating well. I was afraid to bring him my hurt. Many times I was blindsided with these people’s behavior. I wasn’t prepared for it. It’s not the environment I was raised in.

But all of these people had something in common. They’re users. They saw Scott as Chief of Police and they all had a use for him as long as he held a position where he could get them things, do things for them, give them status because he was related in some way, or get them out of trouble. It didn’t go ever well when he decided to retire and he was no longer of use.

Then they saw me. I’ve worked like a dog for the success the Lord has granted me. I understand in a heartbeat that it could all go away tomorrow. I understand how blessed we are, and that we have an obligation to be good stewards. This is God’s money. Not ours.

These same users saw, and still see me, as a way to have an easy payday. They’d want to work for me and collect a paycheck without actually working, they’d brazenly ask Scott for favors or money because they were broke, and then take trips to Cancun.

When we finally started saying “no,” they’d lash out and say it must be nice to be on perpetual vacation all the time, thinking that the hundred hour work weeks we put in and the hundred days of business travel per year, where I’ll sign books for eight hours straight, give all day workshops until my voice is hoarse, and be so booked up at conferences that I have to change clothes as I’m running from event to event (without eating all day) was just part of the glamorous life we were leading.

These things still happen. And frankly, I’m kind of tired of it. I’ve dealt with a lot of anger in 2017. But dealing with the anger is part of the process of forgiving. Anger is not a sin as long as you don’t sin in your anger. I’ve been angry with Scott, but when he asked for forgiveness and was truly repentant, I was able to forgive.

But I held onto the anger I had for these other people. My good friend Chermaine told me to say the words of forgiveness out loud, even if I didn’t mean them. God would work on my heart and soften it. So that’s what I did. For some of these people, I was able to speak forgiveness, mean it, and put a hard stopping place in our relationship. For others, it took months and months of speaking the words aloud before I was finally able to forgive.

Forgiveness is for our sake. Not for the sake of the offender.

Forgiving and releasing these people from my life brought a peace I haven’t felt since the beginning of our marriage. But we’ve decided with Christ at the center, we can withstand any storm together.

 

2017 has been a storm. And we’ve withstood it with the help of some incredible men and women of God. Praise the Lord for those people!

Just because we forgive doesn’t mean there won’t still be bumps in the road caused by the offender. Remember, satan loves discord. And he’ll use those people if an opening is available in your armor for their spears to pierce. This is sometimes especially difficult in a blended family or if satan is using an ex for repeated discord.

This latest incident, where an unknown war was raged upon me, is not the last, I’m sure. But here’s the thing; this person is fighting a war and I’m not even part of the battle. I don’t care. They can’t touch me. Because God has reformed me from the dust I’d become in January of 2017. My armor is strong. But my God is stronger.

These recent incidents have only reemphasized the choices we’ve made in our marriage up to this point. There was a reason God moved us to Texas and separated us from what we’d known. There was a reason we were led to Gateway Church and the ministries they have there. God had a plan for us, and He still has plans for us that we can’t even see on the horizon.

2017 has been a blessing.

A couple of weeks ago someone thought to give their opinion of how we do things in our marriage. From everything from our personal finances, to the decisions we make in our marriage, estate, and our children. Scott has always been very vocal about our priorities, and he talks about it quite a bit on his Brick Breakers site for men.

The priorities are this:

• God

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy 6:5

• Marriage

“For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church.” Ephesians 5:22-23

“For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.” Ephesians 5:25-26

• Children (all of them have equal standing, even though we’re a blended family)

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

There are other priorities in our marriage: We tithe 10% of our income no matter what it is each month, we don’t keep secrets from each other, we make decisions as equal partners (ranging from finances to children, even though we’re a blended family-we treat everything and everyone as ours).

(Side Note:)  The above statement is very important. The word ours is a big deal, especially in a blended family where lines are easily drawn. The bank accounts are ours. Property is ours. And the children are ours. It’s so important that the kids and the exes know that one kid doesn’t take priority over the others. 

We always stand beside each other, above all others. But those things are easy to do when God comes before anything else in our lives, and our marriage comes before our children.

Yes, our marriage comes before our children.

2017 has been a year of forgiveness, restoration in some cases, and letting go in others. There will continue to be those who strive for discord, but God is fighting those battles. All we have to do is give up the control and let him take the sword.

Be blessed,

Leah Silverii